busy bees

going...


going...


gone...

Is it me or is the summer of 2008 going by a little too quickly?

the facts of life

well I'm not going to start going on about Tootie, Blare and Mrs. Garrett...but I have been having some serious flashbacks these past few days.
Mostly from my late teens and early twenties.
I've been so immersed in my present and always worried about the future (or more accurately Lulu's future) I kind of forgot about me and my past.
which when it comes to some things, isn't such a bad thing.
As checkered as it might have been, it's important to remember it because it's how I got to where I am today.
For some reason music always seems to bring me back.
I'll hear a song and instantly remember a particular time in my life.
I heard a Tracy Chapman song the other day "Happy" from "Revolution" and instantly thought of a guy that I had a crush and wondered where is he now?
Come to think of it, I wonder where Tracy Chapman is too?
Then I heard a Cat Stevens song and thought about a guy that I well was sort of "seeing" for a summer and kind of broke his young heart-he was a few years younger than me-and so....anyhow...I still feel badly and hope that he is happy wherever he might be.
One of the many reasons I'm not on facebook.
It must be so tempting to look people up that really you shouldn't be.
Then I heard a Smiths song and thought of my ex boyfriend of three years, and thought how crazy that I had this long term relationship with someone other than big daddy?
As tumultuous as that particular relationship was it taught me a lot.
No regrets.
I had quite a few debaucherous years before meeting big daddy and when I look back..even though I have to fight the urge to cringe and almost reprimand my former wild self, I can barely believe that I'm the person I am today and that the universe brought big d into my life.
So much time was spent in an (often drunken) haze looking for my soul mate.
Sure I had a lot of fun along the way but really when I think about it, those were some pretty crazy and often unhappy years.
But fortunately It wasn't all jagermeister shots and late night runs to the corner store for packs of Belmont Milds, I was for the most part quite responsible.
I had my own apartment which was always pretty meticulous.
My own car.
No Debt.
I worked really hard and at one point I think I had three different jobs at the same time and went to school part time which I paid for myself.

When I hear about couples that were high-school sweethearts I think wow...that's amazing.
I wish that had been me.
Then again I wouldn't be the me I know today had that been the case.
I didn't really have a high-school sweetheart per say.
my first real boyfriend was when I moved out.
A nice guy and we spent close to three years together but what can I say?
last I heard he moved to Florida (where he was originally from) and works for a pro baseball team.
He was a complete sports fanatic.
One of the many reasons I said adios and ended things.
come to think about it I had a bit of a thing for jocks and sports guys- my other ex is currently a sports writer.
So I hear.
It comes as no surprise then that big daddy- the man I married- never watches sports. ever.
learn from past mistakes.
the closest thing he watches is the history channel and is a bit obsessed with WWII... but I can live with that.
there was also a rower, a wrestler, a football player and even a professional ballet dancer- and really- he wasn't gay.
Or at least I'd like to think so.

I don't know, I'm not sure why I'm revealing all this about myself- and well my gulp...past.
I find it hard to believe myself.
I look back and scratch my head and think was that really me?
These days I couldn't be more conservative and reserved.
I don't drink or smoke, I'm in bed each night somewhere between 10 and 11p.m. up at 6ish.
g-d I remember getting in at 6am.....my how times have changed.
heck I'm even wheat, caffeine and dairy free at the moment.
I can't remember the last time I went out on the "town" or danced or got the slightest bit "crazy"
I wonder if I ever will again.
Not that I really want to.
My idea of getting crazy is turning up the music really loud in the car while driving alone on the highway going 10 km over the speed limit.
I'm wild and crazy let me tell you.
I'm so well...buttoned up..for lack of a better term.
let's not even talk about sex. especially wild sex.
Now that I'm a wife and mother I feel like I have to be so..good.
Not that I mind,
I want to be.
I can always conjure up all those wild memories when the "need" arises, but really I'm just glad they are in the past.

So for now, I'm off to go check out itunes and search for a little Tangerine Dream, U2, Sade, The Cranberries, The Barenaked ladies (Wrap your arms around me and Blame it on me only) Depeche Mode, The KLF, Everything but the Girl, Massive Attack, Portishead, Bob Marley, Arrested Development and maybe a bit of Seal for good measure.
what can I say it was the early nineties?

oh and as per the title of this post...the Facts of Life by Graham Joyce.
Just finished this book and it was excellent.
totally off topic, but thought I would share.
and oh my gosh I actually stayed up past 1 am to finish it.
I'm wild I tell you.

out of her shell

I haven't really planned much for Lulu this summer.
I figured we would sort of play it by ear.
Sure I signed her up for one week of "dance camp"- which she absolutely loved.
but that's about it.
So I got on the phone and spent last week trying to find some more day camps in the area that are still available.
I managed to get the last spot in a day camp next week which sounds great.
It's run by the teachers at her Nursery school which totally puts my mind at ease.
Lulu and I went to check it out and watch the kids do arts and crafts, play in the music room and have story time.
I think she'll have a blast.
In the mean time I'm trying to fill her dance card for this week.
I hit the jackpot.
The girls from a few houses down are going to hang out and play with her for a few hours all week.
Yay!
They actually used to live in our house before we moved in four years ago and I've been counting down the years to when they are old enough to watch Lulu.
The oldest is 12 and just finished her baby-sitting course and her sister is 10.
Lulu absolutely LOVES them. as do I.
It's sooo sweet watching girls that age with small kids.
They are old enough to be responsible, yet not too old to think it's lame to have tea parties and play with crayons and finger paints.
So I've booked them all week from 10-2.
Lulu was waiting by the window this morning at 8 a.m. asking when they would be here.
I get to keep an eye on them, yet actually get some things done around here...like errr..blogging...very important stuff ya know.
The only down side is that they leave for camp at the end of the week for the rest of the summer.
such a tease. dang.
And August was looking so promising!
Ah well, I'm sure I'll come up with more things to keep Lulu occupied.
Until then I'm in heaven.
More importantly-so is Lulu.

stick it

Whoever invented stickers is brilliant (and must have had kids)
Which made me ask the question, who in fact invented stickers?
This is what I came up with.

"As a stamp collector it is easy to answer who was responsible-sir Rowland Hill 1839 with his postal reform.
In 1840 he introduced the first adhesive paper in the form of the penny black stamps.
So to all the effects, Sir Rowland Hill introduced the first sticker on the market and carries all the credits."

but I preferred this answer:

"Steve 'sticky' Stickton from Stickport on the Stickland Islands."

whoever it was...genius.
and thank-you.

ups & downs

So many things I want to write about yet so little time.
Big daddy just took lulu around the block for a quick bike ride so I most likely will be interrupted way before I finish this post.
but here goes..

Even though the days are longer I can never seem to do everything I want to do in a day.
Taking time for myself (i.e.. writing on my blog) always falls to the bottom of the list.
I am trying to make changes to improve my mood and life in general because for the past few months I've been feeling quite overwhelmed and really guilty that I feel this way in the first place.
After all, there are women/mothers who have it a lot tougher than me out there, so I really don't feel like I even deserve to complain about anything.
Yet I do.
I'm finding dealing with Lulu more of a challenge than ever before.
On one hand she is so so over the top sweet and then in the blink of an eye she makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and put on my ipod and just hide.
hey...not a bad idea.....
but seriously, it's so much work negotiating with a three year old all the time ( the little creatures are such good manipulators and negotiators)
The fact that she is an only child, makes me her number one playmate at ALL times.
which is sweet, but bloody exhausting.
Gone are the days when she would entertain herself with playdough and colouring books.
Now I have to colour with her and I have to help shape and sculpt the playdough.
and oh how I miss those glorious napping years.
I so hope that she will eventually learn to entertain herself a little more than for 2 minutes at a time again.
Oh lord let this just be a phase....
When I lose my patience with her I end up feeling so guilty, it just kills me.
Then it just adds to the stress of it all.
I'm not sure why I have such high expectations of myself as a mother, after all it's kind of a learn-as-you-go kind of occupation.
But the perfectionist in me wants to be the best mother I can be- which lately doesn't feel so great.

I've been trying to do some "work" on managing my stress and anxiety levels. (and my unrealistic perfectionist tendencies)
I've been exercising all week and it's really helped.
REALLY helped.
I wish I could work out every day.
After a good workout, I walk up the driveway feeling almost like me again and happy and relaxed and the second I walk in the door it ends up feeling chaotic.
What's for lunch? where's my black shorts? mommy I have to tinkle, I'm thirsty mommy, Play with me mommy, Did you put sunscreen on her before you left? what are we doing today? where are we going? I'm hungry what's for lunch? (big daddy not lulu) calgon take me away!
that hour feels like it almost didn't happen.
This weekend in particular was pretty frustrating.
I went to the gym yesterday morning from 8:30-9:30.
Before leaving I made the beds, put clothes out for Lulu and fed her her breakfast.
Big daddy really didn't have too much to deal with while I was gone.
but later that day he made a sarcastic comment about me and the fact that I get time to myself and he feels he doesn't.
I was really hurt and it really bothered me because he is usually pestering me to go out more on my own and to do things for myself.
The more frustrated we get as parents the more we bicker as a couple.
Not big fights or anything major, but just not connecting.
I have written about this in the past and I keep saying to big daddy that "three is a challenging stage, as she gets older it will get easier"
but does it?

So enough about all the negatives- now time to focus on the positives.
Big daddy had a few extra days off so we had a bit of a long weekend.
We managed to have some fun and do some things with Lulu that I know she loved.
We went to the Zoo, the splash pad, we went for Sushi one night which she loves, we got a new bike trailer and went on a nice long cycle and ended up at a fantastic park on the other end of the city, we played hide & seek, she got a new big girl bike, we ate lots of ice cream, we spent a day on the boat, she flew a kite with her dad, she was smothered with kisses and hugs for the majority of the weekend- with the exception of two or three moments on the naughty step.
So yes Life is good- well for Lulu at least.
She had a pretty exciting weekend.
But Monday is looking pretty good right about now.
I'm shooting the last episode of the hgtv show tomorrow- yay!
well I still have a few days in the third and fourth week of July but I'm almost finished.
Big daddy is back at work tomorrow (4 days is plenty....love ya big D- but I know you're feelin the same)
Lulu starts camp tomorrow too. (it's only from 9-12 but I think it's just what the doctor ordered-literally)
so life is all good.
Just needed to rant a little in the beginning, because let's face it it feels good to bitch about the ups and downs of motherhood.
At least for me.
It can't all be puppies and kittens right?
Oh and did I mention lulu's current puppy obsession?
When a woman at the grocery store asked lulu if she had a brother or sister she said "oh no-but when I'm five I'm getting a real puppy"
"but for now this is my dog pewter- he's not real though"
in reference to a little stuffed grey mini schnauzer that big daddy got her a few weeks ago.

too damn cute and so worth every frustrating moment.

happy holiday

Long time no blog.
Catching up with life now that I'm feeling a little more like me these past few days.
Blogging seems to have fallen to the bottom of the list- not to mention the fact that I have been spending as much time as humanly possible outside.
Yesterday was the absolute perfect day weather wise.
I wish everyday could be like that.
We spent Canada Day on Toronto Island & on the boat and had so much fun.
We ended up staying until this morning and let Lulu stay up to watch her first official fireworks display.
It was amazing and she was in awe.
It was so nice not having to fight the crowds and just snuggle up on the back of the boat watching our own private show.
Bliss....
Happy belated Canada day and to my favourite gals south of the border (you know who you are)- Happy 4th of July!

fresh finds

A few weeks ago...no make that over a month and a half ago....I came across this beautiful radicchio di Castelfranco at the market.
I went without a list and thought I would let the fresh produce be my inspiration.
I've never really been a big fan of radicchio- a little too bitter for my taste buds. (kind of like gin & tonic...ick)
But it's really been growing on me.
Radicchio not tonic.
Especially one as delicate as this.
I simply tossed it in some excellent quality extra virgin olive oil & some vincotto 4 year Italian balsamic, fresh grated Parmesan Reggiano and a bit of sea salt & fresh cracked pepper and viola.
I also grilled up a couple of Cumbrea's strip loins that I coated in a William's Sonoma Coffee & Spice dry rub that were amazing.
I'm not usually into prepared rubs and sauces but this one rocks.
I also scored some gorgeous fresh baby leeks, so I whipped up a little white bean, sautéed leek concoction that was de-lish.
A really nice side for the tender steaks.
yum.
Alleluia....could this mean a returning appetite?

love is the best medicine

first off...thanks for all the words of well wishes.
Quite frankly I'm surprised anyone is still reading seeing as my blog has been so woe is me lately.

I honestly don't like to even post about my health issues, as I'm sure it's the last thing anyone really wants to read about.
It's certainly the last thing I want to think or write about.
I feel like such a broken record about all this ear stuff.
But hopefully eventually I will be able to look back at this time in my life when I eventually feel like me again- IF I ever feel like me again- and really really appreciate my good fortune and health.
I did get in to see my doctor yesterday and had some blood work done.
She looked in both ears and said yes there does seem to be fluid in the middle ear and small scabs on both ear drums.
grrrreat.
she gave me a corticosteroid nasal spray and said that the decongestants that I had been taking might be a contributing factor to my stomach issues.
But still have to wait for the results of the tests to find out exactly what is causing the weight loss.
I asked how long will it take for my ears to completely heal? after-all it's been since January...
She didn't know exactly.
I asked if I should go and see another ENT and she said they would probably say the same thing.
I asked if she had seen other cases like mine and she said- well I actually have never seen ruptured ear drums.
ummm...so wouldn't it make sense to go and see someone with more experience with this kind of thing??
not that I said that.
I just smiled and thanked her for seeing me on such short notice.
Why do I hesitate to question my doctor?
It's my health after-all.
I just don't want to insult her or worse annoy her.
Nothing worse than an annoyed doctor.
But I think I am going to keep trying to get in to see another ENT despite her "advice"
In the mean time I have my little Dr. Lulu to help keep my mind off of things.
She has been such an angel these past few days.
On Sunday she pulled the stool up to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and brought me a bottle of eucalyptus oil and said "here mommy this unchiliptis oil with help you get better"
It melted my heart.
then she proceeded to rub a little on a tissue on my neck.
um thanks sweetie.
Then I promptly moved all drugs to the top shelf where hopefully she won't be able to reach them.
While at the lab yesterday and giving blood samples she offered to hold my hand to help me be brave.
then said "let's get you a popsicle mommy so you can feel better after they needled you."
She kept asking all kinds of questions at my doctor's appointment.
"why is she taking your blood pressure mommy?"
So cool that she knew what my Doc was doing. a proud moment for momma.
"to see that my blood pressure is elevated sweetie"
"is she going to use a tongue suppressor on you? I don't like those- they make me choke"
"don't forget the check my mommy's heart with the stesiscope"
speaking of annoyed doctors....
My little advocate.
Maybe there's a future in medicine for my little gal??
at least then maybe we might have "an in" down the road when we are old and grey and don't want to wait like nine months for an appointment with a specialist.

dr.doctor

Once again I feel like crap.
I just can't seem to get back to normal since my ear problems in January.
My ears are plugged, I'm nauseous, can't eat, I keep losing weight (which at this point no longer feels like a bonus)
I feel tired most the time, I keep getting hives, I also have never been so closely aquatinted with my bathroom....if ya know what I mean.
I just want to feel normal again.
Last weekend was lovely (as per my last post) but I failed to report that half way through dinner I needed to make a dash for the washroom and wasted a perfectly fine meal. and evening.
Sunday I didn't want to stray too far from home...just in case....
So as nice a weekend as it was...it certainly could have been better.
I keep thinking- it has to get better.
I have good days and then not such good days. like most of this past week.
I'm so fed up of this and I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy.
The "woosh...woosh wooshing" in my right ear isn't really helping matters.
All I can keep down (or in) is bananas, and oatmeal. barely.
I'm going to try to get in to see my doctor tomorrow and hopefully see if we can't pull a few strings and get in to see a specialist to get a second opinion about my ears.
I just feel bad for big daddy having to deal with this as well.
In sickness and in health that's for sure.

first mate

I had such a relaxing weekend and I was a bit sad to have it come to an end this morning.
Lulu loved being at my parents and truth be told big daddy & I were in desperate need of a little break.
We spent a fair bit of time at home just enjoying the freedom of uninterrupted conversations, no schedules and geez barely even running the dishwasher.
what is it about kids and all their cups, bowls, plates and other kiddie paraphernalia?
One night we just stayed in and barbecued and enjoyed the back yard together.
The next we went out for a casual sushi dinner, enjoying walking in the city past 8 p.m.
I so miss taking a nice stroll around the neighbourhood at night.
It really is the simple things....
Then on Friday after a long week of work, we decided to have dinner on the boat.
Oh did I forget to mention that big daddy bought a boat?
(please don't hate me.....)
yes he got a boat and although I had reservations about it, I am sooo glad he did.
It rocks!
I've only been on it a couple of times, but each time I was on Lulu patrol and watching her like a hawk making sure she was safe.
So it was a real luxury to just relax, enjoy the sunset and have dinner with big daddy on the water.
Saturday we got up and did an early morning yoga class together.
Yes together!
I was so impressed that big daddy decided to join me.
what a guy.
Then we spent the rest of the day back on the boat exploring Toronto island and loving every second of the day.
We went out for a really nice dinner, but truth be told I would have been just as happy throwing a few burgers on the bbq, but I felt we had to take full advantage of the child-free weekend and go out.
Sunday I made my morning check-in call to see how Lulu was doing- up until Sunday she barely said two words to me on the phone because she was too excited to be at grandma & grandpas' place, but by day four she was asking to come home.
Say no more.
Her wish was our command.
within 10 minutes big daddy was in the car to pick her up, three hours later she was home safe and sound.
She was so happy to be home and we surprised her with a kiddie pool in the backyard filled with all her water toys.
We spent the day just relaxing by (in) the "pool" with our little gal.
And although Thursday, Friday & Saturday were relaxing and a real treat, nothing compared to how nice it was spending Sunday together.
Our little family of three.
so glad she's back.
Drag that I had to say good-bye again this morning when the babysitter picked her up at 9 a.m.
Sometimes I guess all it takes is a little time apart to realize how precious lulu is to us and how lucky we are to have her in our lives.
There is much to be grateful for.
especially big daddy, because without him none of these things would be possible.
love u big d & thanks for a wonderful weekend xox