bossypants

I love female comedians.
Well actually I love most comedians, with the exception of Andrew Dice Clay, and that guy with the really annoying voice...Gilbert Gottfried. That guy is so not funny and super annoying.
Anyhow it feels so good to laugh especially when the jokes are clever and the timing is just right.
Life can be so serious, and every once in a while you just need a good chuckle.

I just finished reading Tina Fey's Bossypants and loved it.
It's the perfect antidote to the February blahs.
I laughed throughout the book.
Tina is so clever and hilarious.
I love her honesty, sarcasm and self deprecating sense of humour.
If you haven't read this book, you should.
It will make you feel happy.
Or at the very least have you crossing your legs so you won't pee your pants.
Girl power!

These are a few of my favourite quotes from the book..

"sleep when your baby sleeps."
Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there?
Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless.

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it's done well it looks great and when it's over done you like like a crazy a-hole.
Unfortunately, most people don't do it well. I find the fancier the fashion magazine is, the worse the Photoshop. It's as if they are already so disgusted that a human has to be in the clothes, they can't stop erasing human features.
"why can't we accept the human form as it is?" screams no one. I don't know why, but we never have. That's why people wore corsets, neck stretchers and powdered wigs.
If you're going to expend energy being mad about Photoshop, you'll also have to be mad about earrings.
No ones ears are that sparkly! They shouldn't have to be! You'll have to get mad about oil paintings- those people didn't really look like that! I for one am furious that people are allowed to turn sideways in photographs! Why can't we accept a woman's full width?! I won't rest until people are only allowed to be photographed facing front under a fluorescent light.

The Mother's Prayer for it's Daughter
the entire chapter (like the entire book) is bang on and super funny, but here's a few of my favs.

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither the Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents that cut her grapes in half
And stick with the beer.

Lead her away from acting but not all the way to finance. Something she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes.
And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I'm asking You, because if I knew, I'd be doing it, Youdammit.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short and adulthood is long and dry humping in cars will wait.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit, I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,
That I may see her lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 am, all at once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
"my mother did this for me once" she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck. "my mother did this." And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me.

and finally...

What Turning Forty Means To Me
" I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn't used to have to do that. But now I do"
oh boy can I relate to this one..

So if you need a good laugh, or a pick-me-up, then do your self a favor and pick up a copy of Tina's book.
You won't be disappointed.