Friday, May 09, 2008
the devil wears pablum
Maybe that's not such a nice title....
(it's in reference to that cute bib she's wearing actually)
Lulu was far from a little devil as a baby.
In fact, she was quite the opposite.
We would literally be stopped on the street all the time and people would comment on her angelic face.
They still do.
Then again, maybe that's every baby? who knows.
I do know that as much as I enjoyed every minute of her while she was an infant the one thing that weighed heavily on my mind was always -Is this it?
Will she be our only child?
Should we just keep it at one?
Will this be the only time I rock a tiny baby to sleep at night?
Or the last time I get to hold a tiny body in my arms and watch her sleep?
I still feel that way.
I wish I just had the answer and could just move on and totally and completely embrace every part of raising an only child.
But the guilt. Oh the guilt.
I figured I would know by this point.
She's three now, already there would be at least a four year gap.....
But neither big daddy or I are feelin' it.
not even say 40% wanting a second.
For a variety of reasons.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if down the road will we have regrets?
Will Lulu be lonely?
Are we terrible parents by not wanting to do it all over again?
I have a brother- yet he lives on the other side of the planet, we never talk and for sure it will be me who will be looking out for our parents as they get older.
I have no problem with that, it's just that there really are no guarantees.
Then again, big daddy has three brothers and is quite close with...well actually only one of them.
okay...then there's my dad.
he has two sisters and well...actually he barely speaks to them.
Okay my mom.
She has seven bothers and sisters and they are all super close.
well all but one. but that's pretty good odds.
Oh what to do...
Last week I decided to finally take a little me time and book a facial.
Five minutes into the facial the esthetician asked me if I had any children.
"yes- one three year old daughter"
" are you planning on having more?"
"still not sure...um...err...we are pretty content with our little family of three"
"oh...don't just have one. I'm an only child, I'm divorced and my family is back in Romania and it's so lonely. I was always sad as a kid and wished I had a sibling tsk..tsk"
so my 60 minute relaxation facial was anything but.
I felt guilty during the entire thing.
So I'm going on a bit but it has to be the number one thing that I stress about.
I wish I didn't.
Every time I see siblings together or read about them and how wonderfully they get along I get an intense pang of guilt.
I just want a crystal ball to tell me if it will be okay to just keep things as they are or to take the plunge?
Then again, I am being a bit presumptuous.
Sometimes these things really are not in our hands.
I am 37 after-all.
And as an aside a very good friend just suffered a particular loss that illustrates how fragile life really is and how sometimes you don't have total control over these types of choices.
So really there are no guarantees.
Well except that tomorrow I'll still be stressing about this decision.