Sunday, July 06, 2008

ups & downs

So many things I want to write about yet so little time.
Big daddy just took lulu around the block for a quick bike ride so I most likely will be interrupted way before I finish this post.
but here goes..

Even though the days are longer I can never seem to do everything I want to do in a day.
Taking time for myself (i.e.. writing on my blog) always falls to the bottom of the list.
I am trying to make changes to improve my mood and life in general because for the past few months I've been feeling quite overwhelmed and really guilty that I feel this way in the first place.
After all, there are women/mothers who have it a lot tougher than me out there, so I really don't feel like I even deserve to complain about anything.
Yet I do.
I'm finding dealing with Lulu more of a challenge than ever before.
On one hand she is so so over the top sweet and then in the blink of an eye she makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and put on my ipod and just hide.
hey...not a bad idea.....
but seriously, it's so much work negotiating with a three year old all the time ( the little creatures are such good manipulators and negotiators)
The fact that she is an only child, makes me her number one playmate at ALL times.
which is sweet, but bloody exhausting.
Gone are the days when she would entertain herself with playdough and colouring books.
Now I have to colour with her and I have to help shape and sculpt the playdough.
and oh how I miss those glorious napping years.
I so hope that she will eventually learn to entertain herself a little more than for 2 minutes at a time again.
Oh lord let this just be a phase....
When I lose my patience with her I end up feeling so guilty, it just kills me.
Then it just adds to the stress of it all.
I'm not sure why I have such high expectations of myself as a mother, after all it's kind of a learn-as-you-go kind of occupation.
But the perfectionist in me wants to be the best mother I can be- which lately doesn't feel so great.

I've been trying to do some "work" on managing my stress and anxiety levels. (and my unrealistic perfectionist tendencies)
I've been exercising all week and it's really helped.
REALLY helped.
I wish I could work out every day.
After a good workout, I walk up the driveway feeling almost like me again and happy and relaxed and the second I walk in the door it ends up feeling chaotic.
What's for lunch? where's my black shorts? mommy I have to tinkle, I'm thirsty mommy, Play with me mommy, Did you put sunscreen on her before you left? what are we doing today? where are we going? I'm hungry what's for lunch? (big daddy not lulu) calgon take me away!
that hour feels like it almost didn't happen.
This weekend in particular was pretty frustrating.
I went to the gym yesterday morning from 8:30-9:30.
Before leaving I made the beds, put clothes out for Lulu and fed her her breakfast.
Big daddy really didn't have too much to deal with while I was gone.
but later that day he made a sarcastic comment about me and the fact that I get time to myself and he feels he doesn't.
I was really hurt and it really bothered me because he is usually pestering me to go out more on my own and to do things for myself.
The more frustrated we get as parents the more we bicker as a couple.
Not big fights or anything major, but just not connecting.
I have written about this in the past and I keep saying to big daddy that "three is a challenging stage, as she gets older it will get easier"
but does it?

So enough about all the negatives- now time to focus on the positives.
Big daddy had a few extra days off so we had a bit of a long weekend.
We managed to have some fun and do some things with Lulu that I know she loved.
We went to the Zoo, the splash pad, we went for Sushi one night which she loves, we got a new bike trailer and went on a nice long cycle and ended up at a fantastic park on the other end of the city, we played hide & seek, she got a new big girl bike, we ate lots of ice cream, we spent a day on the boat, she flew a kite with her dad, she was smothered with kisses and hugs for the majority of the weekend- with the exception of two or three moments on the naughty step.
So yes Life is good- well for Lulu at least.
She had a pretty exciting weekend.
But Monday is looking pretty good right about now.
I'm shooting the last episode of the hgtv show tomorrow- yay!
well I still have a few days in the third and fourth week of July but I'm almost finished.
Big daddy is back at work tomorrow (4 days is ya big D- but I know you're feelin the same)
Lulu starts camp tomorrow too. (it's only from 9-12 but I think it's just what the doctor ordered-literally)
so life is all good.
Just needed to rant a little in the beginning, because let's face it it feels good to bitch about the ups and downs of motherhood.
At least for me.
It can't all be puppies and kittens right?
Oh and did I mention lulu's current puppy obsession?
When a woman at the grocery store asked lulu if she had a brother or sister she said "oh no-but when I'm five I'm getting a real puppy"
"but for now this is my dog pewter- he's not real though"
in reference to a little stuffed grey mini schnauzer that big daddy got her a few weeks ago.

too damn cute and so worth every frustrating moment.


kittenpie said...

Three IS hard. Harder than two by far, I found. I also think that something like a half day camp or daycare can be really good for both mom and child, even if mom stays at home, as it gives them both some space of their own, and I really do think both benefit from that. Child can learn that they can do things on their own and meet other kids, mom can get a couple of things done and me her own woman for a little stretch.Good for you.

Sarah said...

As I always say, good for you for putting your feelings out there. I concur with your frustrations. And from my experience, an emotional, bright 3 year old girl is about the toughest person to mother on earth. It was a REALLY hard year - on me, on us, etc. And throw in a 1 year old for good measure - it was rough. The balance of work/preschool/adequate alone time is what has worked for me. I am too hard on myself as well (and a perfectionist), so I so understand what you are saying. I think you are on the right track. :)

amanda said...

It is exhausting. I so agree... and I'm only in the twos! And it's good to hear someone else talk about it... I feel like I'm the only one that ever complains about their kid. But geez, sometimes life with a toddler is just plain overwhelming and you need to vent.

I think camp is going to be just what you need. Boy am I glad I signed Jack up for pre-school starting in September:)

motherbumper said...

Ohhhhhhh I hope all went well today - can you believe she's big enough for CAMP!?! Gigi won't start her program for another month but it can't come soon enough. Wait, did I say that outloud?

Anyhow, I think I get this challenge thing because Gigi is a challenge and a half and it wasn't for those crazy bright beautiful moments, I'd probably be more insane than I already am.

I think it's okay to hide from the kidlets every once and a while - it helps foster independence (or that's what I keep telling myself).

ourlittlefunnybunny said...

Are you reading my thoughts again??


Mommy Jo said...

Oh, I am so with you! My grand-ma had 16 kids...I feel like a wimp!

sam lamb said...

I hear you! I can't even write this comment without an interruption from my getting-close-to-four-year-old. With only one, we do become their constant playmates. And it's not complaining at all - it's just being honest. In our generation we're expected to be able to do it all and only when Sadie came along did I realize how crazy a thought that was.

Camp sounds perfect!