Sunday, May 31, 2009

flying solo

When Lulu was an infant the thought of big daddy going away for a shoot would totally freak me out.
How will I survive?
What if something terrible happens to him? or worse to Lulu? what would I do?
I'll be so lonely and bored, I can't do this parenting thing alone...
Funny how things change after a few years.
Now that Lulu is four- her & I have our own little routine.
I feel pretty confident and capable these days actually.
When it's just the two of us there's no dinner rush and frantic craziness when daddy gets home or competition for attention.
Just us two gals eating and chatting.
Well lulu is actually the one doing all the chatting-what else is new?
but whatever- after a glass (or two) of wine at the end of the day I find her endless chatter pretty sweet and in many ways the highlight of our day.
Besides, when big daddy is home things always seem so tense and rushed these days.
Voices are inevitable raised and Lulu is the one that is affected.
I find that so frustrating.,
If she gets any time in with big daddy it's usually only for about an hour- if that- and she always has to compete with either his email, iPhone, low blood sugar or just his daily stress level in general.
Not so much fun actually.
Once the whole bed/bath ritual is finished (which 75% of the time I deal with) we end up on separate parts of the sofa- barely talking.
He has one laptop, I have another.
If we do speak these days, it's usually about him, his day, his life- because we all know that the life of a SAHM is so insignificant.
okay I thought I wouldn't vent but I feel the need.
After another very unceremonious wedding anniversary-on his part not mine- won't even get into the details of my disappointment this week, but all I can really say is that honestly- not even a card?!
I mean common dude...geez...
There's so many things I wish I could write about- but out of respect- I feel like I shouldn't.
but will say that we need to make some changes.
I'm am really starting to question why I put up with certain things.
I know I deserve better.
I can honestly say that in many ways, I kind of prefer it when big daddy is away.
I know, that sounds so terrible.
I feel really awful even saying that- but lately that's how I feel.
Right before he left- he made a comment that well...was really unnecessary and really hurt.
For some reason I'm having a really time getting past it- most likely because it's something I'm really sensitive about these days.
And no it had nothing to do with my unsightly stretch marks- it was nothing physical actually.
Big daddy isn't that much of an ass.
It was hopefully just something he said out of anger and frustration- but who knows..
Maybe my last post was me just candy coating things- or maybe I was just making one last effort.

Time for a change- that's for sure.
At least I have some time and space to think about how I can help to make those changes.
let's just hope absence makes the heart grow fonder this week.


kurrabikid said...

I am no expert - hell, our relationship is not what anyone would ever describe as perfect or ideal - but one thing I've observed about my own relationship is that this stuff ebbs and flows, comes and goes. Some times are DEFINITELY harder than others. (Honesty: sometimes I can barely stand the sight of him!) I know that probably doesn't really mean much; just a thought...

metro mama said...

I'm sorry. Wish I had some answers. Hopefully he'll read this, and get a wake up call.

You and I should get together with our gals this summer. We're pulling Cakes out of school and the end of June, and I know about long days when Sean's on shift! She and Lulu can play with the new dollhouse and we can have a drink on the patio.

Lynn said...

I'm so sorry to hear that things are rough at the gourmand household. Hope you find the answers you need soon. Sending a big hug your way...

Anonymous said...

I am all too familiar with this topic. Joe was away this weekend and all I could do was think about how it would feel if he was permanantly away...

I'm an email or coffee away if you need to talk ok?


amanda said...

Oh god, I'm just getting to this post. I'm so sorry. I hope you two are well past this and have worked it out. We all say terrible things when we're grouchy/mad/hungry or whatever. Not that it's ok, whatever it is he said/did. I just hope that that's all it was. I'll tell you what helps me tremendously. Ever since Teddy, and having terrible PPD I've been seeing a therapist and she's amazing. Well, she helps me be a better person. Maybe big daddy needs someone like her to vent to and to help him be the person he really (most likely) wants to be. Maybe ;)

amanda said...

One more thing. I can relate... to so much of this topic... the disappointment, the disrespect, the insensitivity, the nasty mood and work baggage and the need and want for a change. I know it doesn't help, but maybe it feels better knowing that others deal with similar issues in their marriages.

naomicatgirl said...

I've been thinking similar things myself lately, and, surprisingly, it's not as scary as I thought it would be to think about. That really isn't a good thing.

I hope you can figure something out. It really sucks when you don't feel safe and happy in your own home.