Monday, June 02, 2008

Daddy's Home!!

I remember a time, oh say around 10 years ago today...
that I could not wait until the end of the work day to see big daddy.
I would literally be counting down the minutes until he would pick me up from work,
and we would race back to my apartment to ah....well...catch up on the daily events.
at least that's one way of putting it.
Oh how I wish I could bottle up those early months and save them up for rainy days (or more accurately drought like conditions)

Then after a full year of bliss we decided to move in together.
Feb. 14 1998. oh how romantic.
the first year living in sin was oh so sinful, as well as the second and third.
We had so much fun together. It was amazing.
then we got married.

Suddenly everything was like forever scoob.
time to grow up and get serious.
I have to admit, year one was a bit rough.
Everything felt so permanent, and I freaked out a bit.
Plus add in some financial stress, moving and buying first properties and career kind of took the spontaneity out of things.
But we worked through the tough times. together.
then gradually things started to improve.
We were best friends after-all and deeply in love.
My life partner and soul mate without a doubt.
flash forward to 2005.
Baby Time.
Five years of marriage (and eight years together) under our belts and on very solid ground.
Lulu's first year was kind of blissful for us as a couple in a strange way.
Oh sure my physical self esteem took a nose dive seeing as I felt totally out of touch with my body and my new role as "mommy"
poor big daddy hasn't really had any hot action since she came into our lives as a result of this insecurity.
I definitely have some work to do in this department- must get past the body image issues.
but having lulu in our lives made us an official family.
I couldn't be happier.
Plus I loved watching big daddy in action as a new dad.
he was really amazing.
Year two was sweet though a little less than romantic due to lack of sleep and endless little visits from our pint sized little love child in the middle of the night and every morning.
Now we are in year three (how did this happen so quickly??)
we just "celebrated" (or more accurately took note) of our eight wedding anniversary.
Somehow the fire that was once there has faded to a dull ember.
It's not that I don't love big daddy, it's just so hard to feel connected when we never seem to have any time ALONE together.
The minute he walks in the door it's daddy daddy daddy!!!! and the second we try to have a sliver of a conversation, lulu starts acting up and shouts "NO TALKING mommy & daddy!!!!!"
This morning it was my 6:30 a.m. rise & shine shift and I made the coffee and tried to keep lulu quiet down stairs so that big daddy could grab an extra hour of shut eye (he is usually quite the saint when it comes to this particular morning ritual) and I am most grateful, but it was my turn.
no problem.
the second he walked down stairs lulu started acting up.
Not eaven letting us say good-morning to each other and hug.
We both kind of lost it.
She is the love of our lives, but what about us?
as a couple?
she is only three, but all this behaviour is starting to really take it's toll on our relationship.
Are we headed to divorce court?
no, not even close. well most days....
We are in it for the long haul, but come on already!
when exactly do things start to go back to the way they were?
or at least a little like how they were?
No one likes to talk about the strain kids can put on a relationship but I'm wondering if I'm not alone when it comes to issues like this?


Rebecca said...

I'm only two months into being a mom so it's too early to tell how having a child will affect my marriage. But your post is timely - I just read about an author who's collecting stories about this topic for an upcoming book. Have a look at Activity #558 at (I'm not shilling for the site/author - no connection at all - I'm just new to mommyblogs, sites for new moms etc.) Thought I'd pass it along.

Anonymous said...

Oh my you are so not alone in this...i could've written it word for word I swear. Samantha is the same way..."no talking to mommy daddy" "stop hugging Daddy Mommy". It is crazy!! I somehow feel like roomates most of the time. The odd time we go out alone we either talk about Sam or not at's scary but i'm hoping that with time and unfortunately a lot of effort we'll get back to our good ol days!

Ms. Porter said...

I can relate to what you are saying. It's been five years for 'Bert' and I, some days are better than others but it's tough. It's alot easier to understand why so many marriages fail during these years isn't it? I feel like Bert and I have a strong relationship but it sure takes a's the first to get neglected.

metro mama said...

Yes, things are still pretty tough for us. We just did the vacation alone, and that helped; we also have kept up her 7 pm bedtime, and we try to have a quiet dinner when Sean's not working. But I'm torn betweeen craving time by myself too.

No, you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

I am 22
with 3 kids
5,2 and 8mos

you are not alone, it is hard but we make it work. When we want alone time in the day or just really need to talk we just set the kiddos up with a fun activity like painting a fav movie.

Sarah said...

Hey, kudos to you for writing this post and admitting the feelings. I, too, have struggled with body issues/my identity as mom vs. wife for the past 4 years. It is tough..hard work everyday and the kids definately do change things. In some ways, you are stronger and in others, you can feel separated from the old you. The best advice I have gotten? Try and take your mind back to those early years the best you can. Physically remove yourself from little LuLu for a night/overnight away so you can both truly check-out of parenthood for a while. And just keep on trying to connect with each other. That's all I've got...great post.

amanda said...

No, you're definitely not alone. I'm right there with you... right down to the body issues interfering with intimacy, to the interrupting and totally demanding toddler. On top of all that I'm just plain tired (and prego) and I just want to go to bed and sleep way more often than not. So, if it helps, I think it's just a stage we have to go through... and in the meantime get your parents to come visit for the weekend - and you two stay in the hotel and celebrate your anniversary ;)

kgirl said...

I said right from the start (of having a child) that the harder adjustment was on the marriage. Our expectations of each other completely changed, and in absence of sleep, patience, time to yourself and as a couple - well, it can be tough. Believe it or not, #2 has made things better.

Ms. Porter said...

i wish i could respond to your comments at my blog...
you do yoga right? does it help?

Joanne Epp said...

O! You are obviously not an island in this case!
Let me say that our 10th year of marriage was the toughest (2 babies within 3 months....)
Finally we interviewed 3 wanna-be-babysitters. We hired Awesome Babysitter (a university student) who arrives every Sunday night.
We dissappaer for a dinner and a movie.
To retain Awesome Babysitter her rate is very generous w/ an awesome tip...and it's so worth it!
Yes, you can get relatives, but it's just not the same. Get a!
Bonne chance ma belle!

kittenpie said...

It definitely takes a toll on intimacy, no matter how strong the love. Which is why you NEED the love to be there to weather it, because yeah, we are past the 4th birthday, and I could see how maybe if we weren't so exhausted we could get some time, but between work and winter blue and illnesses and pregnancy... I see a few more years ahead!