Wednesday, July 29, 2009

making peace

For the past few months I've been feeling really content.
I don't often feel this way- in fact I never feel this way.
I'm usually questioning every single decision I make and wondering if I should be doing things differently.
Should I make pasta tonight or rice?
kidding-sort of.
But in all seriousness, when I worked full time pre- Lulu-I wondered- is this it?
Is life all about just working, material things and making money?
Then when I had Lulu I wondered- Is this it?
Now that I'm a mother and at home with my daughter, is it interesting and stimulating enough without my full time career?
Will I be happy staying at home full time?
In the beginning I struggled with my new identity and roll as a mother.
Then again, who doesn't?
I loved it, don't get me wrong- but at the same time I always felt so torn.
I envied my friends who had a career with a paid Mat leave- then after that time was up, they went back to work and just got on with things and adjusted.
No sitting on the fence wondering when the best time to go back to work would be.
The decision was made for them.
Then again I envied my friends (all 2 of them) that stayed at home and completely embraced it.
Ran their home like a well oiled machine.
They were always on the go and out the door, doing all sorts of activities with their kids and themselves.
I was (am) so in awe of these women.
The ones that work full time- I scratch my head and wonder how the heck they manage.
And the ones who gave up very successful careers to stay at home with their kids and do it with such enthusiasm.
Me, well- I fall into a different category all together- kind of a little of both worlds.
Trying to do the odd free lance gig here and there, doing the t.v. show in the summers but still being at home with Lulu full time.
It's not that I'm complaining- in fact I wouldn't want it any other way- but it's always felt a bit like being in limbo.
Until now.
Lately I'm really feeling comfortable in my own skin.
It only took me 4 years...
I'm so blown away by how fast time goes by when you have a child.
I'm so glad I didn't rush back to the craziness of full time work and miss out on all the amazing things I've had the privilege to experience with Lulu.
I highly doubt that I would have said 10 years from now- "oh I really wish I had propped that great photo shoot"
That being said- I am starting to think about my next move as far as work is concerned.
I do miss it some times.
What do I want to do that still gives me flexibility and also satisfaction?
Still trying to figure that out I guess.
And do I even want to do what I've been doing for the past 10 plus years?
Not entirely sure.
But I do know that for the moment, I feel fulfilled and happy.
And very very lucky that I get to make this decision in the first place.


Mac and Cheese said...

Not THAT'S a familiar thought process. I'm grateful for being able to stay home, but not entirely content, and don't even know what changes I would need to make to feel content. I am always thinking about possible career avenues, but I'm at a bit of a loss right now.

Word verification is "hedonize". Maybe I should take it as a hint.

daysgoby said...

*nodding* *nodding again*

I'm taking some classes this fall that will hopefully help me realize how wonderful I already have it,really....

kgirl said...

Awesome place to be.

kurrabikid said...

Lovely. And thanks for reminding me to take stock, too...

amanda said...

I wish I could say the same. I'm feeling very unsure these days. Where to next? Hmmm...

Sonia said...

So glad to hear you're happy and content at the moment. :o)

I'm very grateful to be able to stay at home with the kids. I know some don't have that option and have to work. I guess I'm still trying to find out what makes me happy. Maybe that is why I am trying to juggle motherhood and 3 part time jobs out of the home? Either that or I'm just a nut job.

sam lamb said...

being content is awesome - the best decisions come from that place.

and as much as i love having a mat leave, i've already visited work twice and i miss it. the place makes me happy and i hope that makes me the best mom i can be. if i'm happy, the kids are happy (oh my god, "kids" still doesn't sound right).

but i would take a 4 day work week in a second!