baby threads

So my brother, his wife and 2 month old baby (my first and only niece) arrived this morning from Taiwan.
He has been living there for over 7 years but decided that Canada might be a better place to raise his daughter- so he moved back.
I have mixed emotions about this.
On one hand I am excited that Lulu will have a cousin near by and more family is always good.
Especially considering her current only child status.
My mom will have her two granddaughters close by as well.
I'm hoping that now that my brother is a father- that he will change his party-frat/boy attitude and we can get to know each other a bit better.
maybe even find that we have a few things in common.

But I have to admit- I am also nervous.
It's been pretty peaceful for the most part for the past 7 years.
No drama during the holidays or tense family gatherings.
I get along really well with my parents and am very protective of them.
In the past my brother and parents haven't always seen eye to eye.
Same with the two of us.
He hasn't really been very inclusive or open about his life over the past decade- regardless of how many times we have reached out to him.
there were years where I barely even got an email from him.
Same with my parents.
My mom was devestated by that.
I just hope he's really changed.

But I'm going to try to be positive and optimistic.
My parents helped by finding him a job and house.
Completely got it ready for when they arrived.
We set them up with a TON of lulu's old baby clothes and baby gear.
not to mention some great furniture that we had in storage (for the dream cottage we would love to buy some day)
Beautiful bedding, a sofa, tables, dining table & chairs, crib, bouncy chairs, car seats, baby toys, baby bath, all Lulu's sweet baby bedding and accessories...
You name it- we passed it on.
I wish I had a sister like me four years ago...
but for now they could use a helping hand.
And we are happy to oblige.
I just really hope it is appreciated.
We'll see.

I do have to say, that it was so hard to part with all of Lulu's tiny baby clothes that I hadn't seen in 3 1/2 years.
Very very emotional.
why is it that parting with baby clothes seems so...final?
it's just clothing and stuff after-all.
Even my mom was getting all sentimental when we were filling the dresser with all these cute little outfits.
It really had me thinking- is that it?
will I ever hold a baby of my own again?

But I am looking forward to meeting this newest member of the family- especially if she is wearing one of Lulu's adorable hand-me-downs.
She may not be my own- but I'm sure I'll love her and will love seeing Lulu with her tiny cousin.
I'm sure it will melt my heart.
Or completely annoy the hell out of me that she is puking all over that sweet Ralph Lauren cardigan that I gave her.
just kidding...

birthday girl

Dear Lulu,
Birthday "girl" is right.
You are now officially a little girl.
No more baby...sniff sniff...
Every time we talk about your upcoming birthday and I get that melancholy glazed look in my eyes, you keep reassuring me by saying "don't worry momma, I'll always be your baby."
You are one perceptive little person let me tell you.
You love to make me feel good and always seem to know the right thing to say.
It amazes me really.
So you are now four.
Four! how the heck did four years go by so quickly?
I know I seem to say this each year, by man do I wish I could freeze time.
Three- almost four has been the best so far.
You are independent enough that I can have some breathing space to do my own thing.
Yet you still need me and more importantly want both your daddy & I around.
You love hanging out with us all the time.
I really hope this is the way you will always feel- no matter what age you are.
As much as you love to socialize (and I might add that you have a pretty impressive little social circle filled with a really nice group of sweet kids) home is definitely your favorite place to be.
You love all your stuff especially all your markers and craft supplies.
You have created many a "master piece" from empty toilet paper rolls and empty shoe boxes (and there's plenty of those kicking around these days) momma likes her foot wear...
You are so creative yet so meticulous.
I love that about you.
You floor me with all the big words you effortlessly string together.
Words like appreciate, apparently, similar and even cantankerous- yes cantankerous!
You even used it in the right context!
And you're absolutely right- daddy can be cantankerous sometimes...but we love him despite that don't we?
But you still refer to mandarin oranges in a fruit cup as "man in the oranges" which I totally love.
Your voice still has that sweet little girl ring to it- which, well if I'm being totally honest works overtime some days.
You really like to chat. and chat. and chat. and chat. and chat. and chat......I guess you just have lots to say...sigh..
I wonder where you get that from? wink wink nudge nudge.
I do love it though.
Being able to have all these conversations with you and trying to the best of my ability to answer your endless questions about the world around you.
I only wish I had an answer for everything you asked me.
When I don't, I look it up (who ever invented Wikipedia is a genius!)
And without knowing it, you teach me something new each day as well.
You are a complete animal and nature lover.
Especially dogs, birds and flowers.
You seem to know the names of more birds and foliage than I do.
Your first word was "birdy" after-all.
I love that you told daddy the other day that the yellow blooms on a shrub on the corner was a forsythia.
Boy was he impressed.
But currently you are dog obsessed.
Thus the theme of your birthday party tomorrow.
You ask us everyday for a real dog- and eventually when the timing is right, we will grant your wish.
But for now the stuffed Gund variety will have to suffice.
You have blossomed into this sweet, gentle, funny and lovable little girl that we couldn't be more proud of.
You are the light in our lives and each day seems to get better than the one before.
So Happy Fourth Birthday my sweet Lulu- I love you more that you could possibly ever imagine.

Love mom xoxo

oh and p.s. if anyone knows where I can get a time freezing machine- please let me know.

listening to...Frances England-Family Tree-You & Me at the moment
which is even making me even more sentimental.
sniff sniff....

nothing like a little time away

Things have been pretty busy- but in a really good way.
I love this time of year, fresh starts and new beginnings.
Big daddy & I have had a bit of a hard go of things over the winter- bickering and generally getting on each other's nerves.
Though I doubt this is that unusual for most couples with three year olds constantly interrupting them and never really allowing any down time for mommy & daddy.
Not that we both don't adore sweet Lulu- but it's been tough.
It also seems like every other week we keep hearing about couples we know splitting up.
Scary stuff and also a bit of a wake up call.
Never take anything for granted- especially not a good marriage.
We had a long talk a few weeks ago about making some changes.
About making our marriage as much of a priority as everything else in our lives- if not more so.
Because without that- everything else starts to crumble.
It's the foundation of our family and it should trump everything else.
No matter how cute and adorable she might be..
But- as anyone who has been married (for almost 9 years!!!) knows, it takes work.
and spending time alone together is crucial.
So my most amazing parents offered to take Lulu for a few days spontaneously and give us some much needed time alone together.
As much as we missed her (sort of...okay not so much....okay maybe a little....) we had a great time just the two of us.
We went out for dinner twice- because we could!
we had drinks late into the night with friends- because we could!
we slept in two mornings in a row- who knew 8 a.m. would ever be considered sleeping in?...whatever- it was heaven.
we went for dessert one night past 9 p.m.- because we could!
we-as in me- drank lots of wine and threw caution to the wind- because I could!
we stayed in and barbecued and made a ton of noise past 8 p.m. because we could!
Lulu had a ton of fun at my parents as usual, so I felt totally relaxed and confident that she was in great hands.
As a result, things feel much more balanced around here.
well except maybe for the need to now re-program Lulu after almost 4 days with her grandparents.
They are so amazing with her, that they might just be a little too amazing.
She is now demanding 100% of our attention at all times- because that's what grandma & grandpa do.
So today was a wee bit challenging to say the least.
At one point we were out and about doing some errands.
The first errand being, stopping to get Lulu an ice cream cone.
Everything seemed fine and dandy for a few brief moments.
Then when we stopped for a coffee for oh...a minute-she decided she HAD to go pet a dog outside of the coffee shop.
THAT VERY SECOND.
I told her to wait as we were waiting for our coffee.
she ignores me and tries to bolt for the door-which is kind of out of character for her- but like I said- re-program time.
So I gently hold her by the arm and say "one sec sweetie, when daddy gets his coffee we can go pet the doggie"
she screams- and I mean screams- "YOU BROKE MY ARM!!!!! IT'S BLEEDING!!!!!!"
um, can you say mortified?
Where did she even come up with that line?
Do Max & Ruby have crazy physically violent fights that I know nothing about?
nuts.
Did I mention how nice it was to get a break?
My parents are.the.best.
I love you Mom & Dad- not that they know about this blog- but still.
They really are the best.
So here's to spring and fresh starts and new beginnings- which hopefully includes being quiet, polite and patient while waiting with mommy & daddy in our local coffee shop.

happy easter

what I love most about being a mom

I was recently tagged by Karen over at A Day In The Life and asked to put down into words Five things that I love most about being a mother.
That's' a tough one because there's so much.

1. I especially love being a mother to Lulu specifically.
duh...
but seriously, I feel so privileged to be her mother.
I just feel like she's just so beautifully special and unique, that I feel really proud to be her mom.

2. I love the feeling of her tiny soft hand when we hold hands- which thankfully is still often.

3. I love her cute giggles and when I can really make her laugh with a funny story about "when I was a little girl..."
she loves those stories- especially when they revolve around one of the many crazy dogs we had back when I was a kid.
"tell me the one about the doggies under the Christmas tree mommy!! again again!!"
she's my number one fan and I love it.

4. I love that being a mother makes me way more aware of everything around me- and makes me really and truly want to be a better person so that I can set a good example for my beautiful daughter.

5. I love that being a mother has brought me so much closer to my own mother- it has really taught me how special a mother and daughter relationship really is.

6. I love how much more centered and focused I have become since being a mother.
I really don't sweat the small stuff nearly as much as I did in the past.

7. I love how Lulu makes me do my very best to savour each and every day and to stop and smell the roses a bit more than I used to.
literally every time we walk by the flower shop on our block...

8. I love how being a mother has made me put less emphasis on material things and more about things that really matter.
Like family, health and happiness- in that order.

9. I love reading lulu her stories at bedtime and when she says to me "let's chat about our day mama..." then kissing her goodnight, dimming the lights just so, winding the music box, sneaking one more kiss and hug and saying "nite nite, sweet dreams and I'll see ya in the morning" and she repeats that back to me as I walk down the stairs.

10. I love when Lulu snuggles up in bed with me in the mornings and softly strokes my arm telling me how much she loves me and that "you're the best mama!"

11. I love spending time doing interesting things on the weekends that we might never have done if we didn't have a three year old. Like visiting local farms, the sugar shack, family festivals and museums.
So fun.

12. I love everything about being a mother.
yes even the tears and tantrums, because although they are super frustrating, in the end, they teach me patience- never one of my strong suits.
Motherhood is one giant learning curve and I love that.

Okay I don't really love having to rush out the door to pick Lulu up after only a couple of hours of personal time (which never seems enough to really get much done- especial important things like writing a post)
As in I better get moving or she'll be the last one picked up today.
But I do love when she comes running over to me and gives me a huge hug and tells me how much she missed me, holds my hand and asks me what's on tap for the rest of the day together...

okay way more than five- but I couldn't help it.
Anyone else care to share what they love most about being a mother?

dream weaver

I love a good dream.
I especially love when I can actually recall what I dreamt about in the first place.
Every morning without fail Lulu comes bouncing into our room around 6:45, climbs into bed with us and without taking a breath proceeds to tell me what her dreams were about.
Or if I'm really lucky-before my eyes are even open, asks me what I dreamt about-or more accurately- was currently dreaming about.
She has some real doosies let me tell you.
I have to admit, sometimes they kind of freak me out.
last night she dreamt that "big daddy's hand was all red....I think he cut it with a knife"
is that normal for a 3 year old?
Shouldn't she be dreaming about things like fairies, kittens and cotton candy at this age?
But in all fairness, maybe I put the fear of god into her when she reached up into the kitchen knife drawer a few weeks ago and I kind of told her that if she did that again, that she could cut her fingers off.
I was just trying to be affective.
It is filled with a dozen or so very sharp Globals after-all.
Sometimes a little drama goes along way...

A few weeks ago (st. Patrick's day) I had a dream about an old high school friend's dad.
His name being Patrick.
I haven't thought about or seen him in years.
But for some reason he popped into my subconscious.
I just found out the other day that he had passed away.
I find it so strange that he would have appeared in my thoughts out of the blue like that...shudder...

Last night I dreamt about some friends I haven't seen in over 15 years.
I dreamt that they had a dog kennel with hundreds of dogs.
last time I saw them, they had one very sweet Black Lab named Ryker, so I have no idea what that was all about.
I hope Ryker is okay.
But now I'm wondering why, after all these years would they just pop into my dreams?
should I look them up and find out what's up?
But they weren't really good friends, so maybe that would be strange.
"Hi Maryanne & Neil, it's me thepetitegourmand...I know we haven't spoken in over 15 years, but I was just wondering...how's your dog?"
Okay that would be weird.

Anyhow It's got me thinking.
What are dreams exactly?
and what do they really mean?
and that I am just SO SO happy that I have re-entered the point in my life that I am able to sleep long enough to have lots of deep dreams.

Now if I could just conjure up a little "dream" about oh say...maybe Ewan McGregor, Robert Pattinson or the new very hot fitness instructor at my gym (but that's a whole other post)
Now those would be some dreams worth remembering.

home is sort of where the heart is

I can hardly believe we've been in our house for over 5 years already.
It seems like just yesterday when we moved to our neighbourhood and could not stop smiling for months each time we had to walk around the corner to all the fantastic shops or walk through the neighbourhood admiring all the beautiful old homes.
I would have to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming.
Do I really live here?
It was a big change from our previous "hood" and I don't think we have really stopped smiling come to think of it.
It's such a great part of the city.
Close to everything, safe, very family friendly, yet still urban and interesting.
There is tons of green space in the area with lots of parks and huge tree lined streets.
Minimal crime, very pretty homes which for the most part, people really seem to look after with a strong sense of house pride.
We often joke and call it pleasantville.
But when we originally moved in, we kind of figured it would be our 5-7 year home.
Eventually wanting to move into something a little bigger.
See our house is probably one of the smallest in the neighbourhood.
Sure it's cute, but every time I walk Lulu to school I can't help but to stare longingly at every other house on our street.
I try to not get too depressed and keep reminding myself how lucky we are to be even in such a lovely neighbourhood, but some days I just get so frustrated.
Maybe we should just bite the bullet and move.
The problem is that our house is pretty charming. (and more importantly- affordable)
It's 80% custom to exactly how we want it.
Most people think our place is pretty "stylin" but to us it's just that little bit too small.
It's definitely not our dream home- but I guess for now it suits us for the most part.
I can't really imagine ever throwing a big party in the middle of the winter- where would all the coats & boots go?
never mind all the people.
I don't know why I fret over stuff like this- but I do.
so we have yet to really throw a party- with the exception of Lulu's 1st birthday which I think comprised of maybe 16 people.
But who am I kidding- even if we lived in a McMansion, I doubt we would ever really get around to throwing a big party.
Now that Lulu is getting older I'm wondering how to accommodate a house full of kids for her upcoming birthday.
And I feel bad that she can't run around without us constantly saying "be careful!!" worried that she is going to ram into a piece of furniture.
For the past couple of years we've been looking at other places.
Going to open houses etc. but we would have to assume a pretty hefty mortgage if we made the jump.
And I wonder if the stress would really be worth it.
We could move to another more affordable part of the city, but really- I don't think we can bare the thought.
We love it here that much.
I always try to make myself feel better by telling myself that we live a "European" lifestyle.
And really who needs more rooms to clean and look after?
But who ever thought a front hall closet and 2 car parking would be considered a luxury?
Ah the joys of city living...
Both big daddy & I grew up in fairly substantial sized suburban homes, and it's just strange to think that lulu will never know what it's like to play ping-pong in the basement or have a big walk-in closet or heck a big grassy back yard to run around in.
we just had to flag stone the backyard...
oh the guilt...
Sometimes I even wonder if one of the reasons I'm not sure about ever having a second child is because we would most likely have to move.
which really is pretty lame considering the people we bought the house from had two kids (and ended up moving a few doors down- to a slightly bigger house)
I should just be grateful that we have a house (especially these days) and not be so consumed with keeping up with the Joneses.
Which maybe if I am really being honest with myself is what all the angst is all about in the first place.

edited to add- a mere hours after I wrote this, Lulu was running around the dining room table dressed like a fairy and having fun, when she trips on the rug and flies head first into the banister.
There is such limited space in the dining/living area to move- never mind run like a fairy.
she now has a huge dark goose egg in the middle of her sweet face and I just feel even more guilty.
I just wish she had more room to move and play and not for stuff like this to not have to happen.

sweet sweet spring

It really is the simple things...

Oh and since you asked

because everyone needs a good laugh

Recently I decided to go on a bit of a hiatus from watching anything too serious or depressing on television.
Well with the exception of the season finale to E.R. tonight.
I mean George Clooney folks? who can resist?
But other than that, I've been abstaining from the news or anything else too heavy.
Enough about the economy already!!
So as an alternative, I find myself watching the Comedy channel a lot these days.
A few weeks ago I came upon this.
And laughed my ass off.
This guy is so funny.
He definitely has a way of saying what I think many of us are thinking (but could never imagine blurting out in front of a live audience)
Speaking of which, I'd love to go and see some live comedy- something I haven't done in ages.
Then again, I guess I get plenty of chuckles around here at Casa Petitegourmand each day with Lulu coming up with some pretty funny one liners.
And sometimes if I'm really lucky she'll break out into a little physical comedy act by finding one of my bras, putting it on her head and dancing around singing a silly song that she made up called "I'm wearing mommy's boobie caps...lala llaaa laa la!!!"
Now that my friends, is pretty damned funny.
That is until she decides to share her act the next time we have a dinner party.
Oh how could I forget her favourite joke (which I'm pretty sure I've heard somewhere in the neighbourhood of 176 times)
Why did the jellybean go to school?
Why?
He wanted to become a smartie.
Or hey Mommy lets play that rhyming game?
okay sweetie, sounds fun.

Lulu "me first...duck"
me "luck"
Lulu "fuck" said with a smirk.

okie dokie...so I guess she really is a true comedian.

Now THAT is some good comedy non?
Who needs cable?

Where did the dinosaurs go?

Last week we finally took Lulu to the R.O.M. (Royal Ontario Museum) and we were not disappointed.
The space is interesting and we really enjoyed all the exhibits.
Lulu was especially fascinated with all the dinosaurs.
Her wide eyed endless questions were so adorable that I swear I must have taken 100 pictures of her that day, wanting to capture the pure look of awe and wonder in her sweet face.
So many questions though- many of which I didn't have a clue how to answer.
At one point we were all sitting on a bench across from some images depicting an asteroid smashing into earth.
Thus the reason that Barosaurus, Albertosaurus and Tyrannosaurus rex are not roaming up and down Yonge St. today.
So naturally Lulu wanted to know if that killed all the dinosaurs?
And if another asteroid would smash into earth again and kill us humans?
gulp.
how do you answer that honestly, yet not scare the hell out of a very sensitive 3 year old?
These days I find myself coming up with all sorts answers for stuff that I never really thought about.
Kids do that to you.
Make you stop and think about life.
And appreciate the fragility of life.
For some reason Lulu has been extra sensitive over the past few weeks, she doesn't really like it when we are not close to her.
She tends to follow me from one room to the next.
She seems to want just a little extra cuddling and loving and the end of each day.
She gets a bit upset each time I drop her off at school- which is kind of out of character for her.
The other day she said "mommy I wish that you never get old so you won't die"
I told her that I hope I do get old so that I can live a long and happy life and that it's okay to be old (I just wish wrinkles, sagging skin, aches & pains weren't part of the package)
That part of life is death.
All the more important to make the most of every day.
But not to worry because I won't be old for a long long time (okay that was a bit of a stretch- but you have to bend the truth sometimes)
I hope that wasn't too much information for her- but I want to be honest with her- always.
It's just so hard to be when they are so young.
When it comes to questions like hers about life and death I sometimes wish I was more religious.
It is so much easier to imagine fluffy clouds, angels and beautiful golden harps when it comes to that particular topic.
As much as Lulu is growing physically, I am amazed at how much she is emotionally and intellectually changing each and every day.
And while it seems strange that out of the blue she has become a tad clingy and extra sensitive, maybe it's normal.
After-all whenever I'm feeling uncertain about life or the direction it's is going, I always feel comforted after talking to my own mom about "stuff" and no matter how many years go by, a mother's wisdom and love is what really matters.
Even if they really don't have a clue about what really happened to the dinosaurs.