fresh finds

A few weeks ago...no make that over a month and a half ago....I came across this beautiful radicchio di Castelfranco at the market.
I went without a list and thought I would let the fresh produce be my inspiration.
I've never really been a big fan of radicchio- a little too bitter for my taste buds. (kind of like gin & tonic...ick)
But it's really been growing on me.
Radicchio not tonic.
Especially one as delicate as this.
I simply tossed it in some excellent quality extra virgin olive oil & some vincotto 4 year Italian balsamic, fresh grated Parmesan Reggiano and a bit of sea salt & fresh cracked pepper and viola.
I also grilled up a couple of Cumbrea's strip loins that I coated in a William's Sonoma Coffee & Spice dry rub that were amazing.
I'm not usually into prepared rubs and sauces but this one rocks.
I also scored some gorgeous fresh baby leeks, so I whipped up a little white bean, sautéed leek concoction that was de-lish.
A really nice side for the tender steaks.
yum.
Alleluia....could this mean a returning appetite?

love is the best medicine

first off...thanks for all the words of well wishes.
Quite frankly I'm surprised anyone is still reading seeing as my blog has been so woe is me lately.

I honestly don't like to even post about my health issues, as I'm sure it's the last thing anyone really wants to read about.
It's certainly the last thing I want to think or write about.
I feel like such a broken record about all this ear stuff.
But hopefully eventually I will be able to look back at this time in my life when I eventually feel like me again- IF I ever feel like me again- and really really appreciate my good fortune and health.
I did get in to see my doctor yesterday and had some blood work done.
She looked in both ears and said yes there does seem to be fluid in the middle ear and small scabs on both ear drums.
grrrreat.
she gave me a corticosteroid nasal spray and said that the decongestants that I had been taking might be a contributing factor to my stomach issues.
But still have to wait for the results of the tests to find out exactly what is causing the weight loss.
I asked how long will it take for my ears to completely heal? after-all it's been since January...
She didn't know exactly.
I asked if I should go and see another ENT and she said they would probably say the same thing.
I asked if she had seen other cases like mine and she said- well I actually have never seen ruptured ear drums.
ummm...so wouldn't it make sense to go and see someone with more experience with this kind of thing??
not that I said that.
I just smiled and thanked her for seeing me on such short notice.
Why do I hesitate to question my doctor?
It's my health after-all.
I just don't want to insult her or worse annoy her.
Nothing worse than an annoyed doctor.
But I think I am going to keep trying to get in to see another ENT despite her "advice"
In the mean time I have my little Dr. Lulu to help keep my mind off of things.
She has been such an angel these past few days.
On Sunday she pulled the stool up to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and brought me a bottle of eucalyptus oil and said "here mommy this unchiliptis oil with help you get better"
It melted my heart.
then she proceeded to rub a little on a tissue on my neck.
um thanks sweetie.
Then I promptly moved all drugs to the top shelf where hopefully she won't be able to reach them.
While at the lab yesterday and giving blood samples she offered to hold my hand to help me be brave.
then said "let's get you a popsicle mommy so you can feel better after they needled you."
She kept asking all kinds of questions at my doctor's appointment.
"why is she taking your blood pressure mommy?"
So cool that she knew what my Doc was doing. a proud moment for momma.
"to see that my blood pressure is elevated sweetie"
"is she going to use a tongue suppressor on you? I don't like those- they make me choke"
"don't forget the check my mommy's heart with the stesiscope"
speaking of annoyed doctors....
My little advocate.
Maybe there's a future in medicine for my little gal??
at least then maybe we might have "an in" down the road when we are old and grey and don't want to wait like nine months for an appointment with a specialist.

dr.doctor

Once again I feel like crap.
I just can't seem to get back to normal since my ear problems in January.
My ears are plugged, I'm nauseous, can't eat, I keep losing weight (which at this point no longer feels like a bonus)
I feel tired most the time, I keep getting hives, I also have never been so closely aquatinted with my bathroom....if ya know what I mean.
I just want to feel normal again.
Last weekend was lovely (as per my last post) but I failed to report that half way through dinner I needed to make a dash for the washroom and wasted a perfectly fine meal. and evening.
Sunday I didn't want to stray too far from home...just in case....
So as nice a weekend as it was...it certainly could have been better.
I keep thinking- it has to get better.
I have good days and then not such good days. like most of this past week.
I'm so fed up of this and I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy.
The "woosh...woosh wooshing" in my right ear isn't really helping matters.
All I can keep down (or in) is bananas, and oatmeal. barely.
I'm going to try to get in to see my doctor tomorrow and hopefully see if we can't pull a few strings and get in to see a specialist to get a second opinion about my ears.
I just feel bad for big daddy having to deal with this as well.
In sickness and in health that's for sure.

first mate

I had such a relaxing weekend and I was a bit sad to have it come to an end this morning.
Lulu loved being at my parents and truth be told big daddy & I were in desperate need of a little break.
We spent a fair bit of time at home just enjoying the freedom of uninterrupted conversations, no schedules and geez barely even running the dishwasher.
what is it about kids and all their cups, bowls, plates and other kiddie paraphernalia?
One night we just stayed in and barbecued and enjoyed the back yard together.
The next we went out for a casual sushi dinner, enjoying walking in the city past 8 p.m.
I so miss taking a nice stroll around the neighbourhood at night.
It really is the simple things....
Then on Friday after a long week of work, we decided to have dinner on the boat.
Oh did I forget to mention that big daddy bought a boat?
(please don't hate me.....)
yes he got a boat and although I had reservations about it, I am sooo glad he did.
It rocks!
I've only been on it a couple of times, but each time I was on Lulu patrol and watching her like a hawk making sure she was safe.
So it was a real luxury to just relax, enjoy the sunset and have dinner with big daddy on the water.
Saturday we got up and did an early morning yoga class together.
Yes together!
I was so impressed that big daddy decided to join me.
what a guy.
Then we spent the rest of the day back on the boat exploring Toronto island and loving every second of the day.
We went out for a really nice dinner, but truth be told I would have been just as happy throwing a few burgers on the bbq, but I felt we had to take full advantage of the child-free weekend and go out.
Sunday I made my morning check-in call to see how Lulu was doing- up until Sunday she barely said two words to me on the phone because she was too excited to be at grandma & grandpas' place, but by day four she was asking to come home.
Say no more.
Her wish was our command.
within 10 minutes big daddy was in the car to pick her up, three hours later she was home safe and sound.
She was so happy to be home and we surprised her with a kiddie pool in the backyard filled with all her water toys.
We spent the day just relaxing by (in) the "pool" with our little gal.
And although Thursday, Friday & Saturday were relaxing and a real treat, nothing compared to how nice it was spending Sunday together.
Our little family of three.
so glad she's back.
Drag that I had to say good-bye again this morning when the babysitter picked her up at 9 a.m.
Sometimes I guess all it takes is a little time apart to realize how precious lulu is to us and how lucky we are to have her in our lives.
There is much to be grateful for.
especially big daddy, because without him none of these things would be possible.
love u big d & thanks for a wonderful weekend xox

missin u

Life as a freelancer can be really great.
Then again it can also be a royal pain in the ass when it comes to trying to make plans.
I had my week all organized with a mix of a nanny looking after Lulu on Monday and my parents were booked for Wednesday and Thursday.
Next Monday I booked the Nanny and next Wed, Thursday with my mom again.
Sounds like a perfect plan.
Bonus I still get to spend Tuesday and Friday with my peanut and work as well.
But yesterday my client told me that today's shoot is a no go due to the possibility of thunder showers.
and could I do Friday instead?
Ah the joys of shooting an outdoor garden story.
My parents couldn't stay in the city on Friday and I couldn't get a hold of the Nanny.
So they offered to take her back to their place last night (which I haven't even seen yet, as they just moved in last week) for a few days.
hmmm.... not a bad idea, and it certainly would help me out in the child care department.
So I packed Lulu's bags and said farewell.
sniff sniff.
Bummer that big daddy is working late tonight and now I have the day "off".
Crazy thing is I actually have no idea what to do with it.
I'm never alone. Now what??
Funny how I felt like I really needed a personal break and some "me time" and the second Lulu is gone I have no idea what to do with myself.
The house just feels so empty and quiet.
My mom offered to keep her until next week....it makes sense, seeing as I'm working and it would save me from having to pay someone.
Plus Lulu LOVES being at my parents.
She has such a blast when she visits them.
But Next week!!!
it seems so long.
I know I will miss her terribly.
I already do and it's not even been a full day.
I'm sure the break will do us all some good (especially big daddy & I re: my last post)
But I love my little lady and I feel so...I don't know.....empty without her.
I'm pathetic.
I should just take advantage of this time and be grateful that I have such great parents that are willing and able to give us a little break.
Okay starting right now I'm going to embrace this time.
Okay, I'll shut up now.

Daddy's Home!!

I remember a time, oh say around 10 years ago today...
that I could not wait until the end of the work day to see big daddy.
I would literally be counting down the minutes until he would pick me up from work,
and we would race back to my apartment to ah....well...catch up on the daily events.
at least that's one way of putting it.
Oh how I wish I could bottle up those early months and save them up for rainy days (or more accurately drought like conditions)

Then after a full year of bliss we decided to move in together.
Feb. 14 1998. oh how romantic.
the first year living in sin was oh so sinful, as well as the second and third.
We had so much fun together. It was amazing.
then we got married.

Suddenly everything was like forever scoob.
Zoinks.
time to grow up and get serious.
I have to admit, year one was a bit rough.
Everything felt so permanent, and I freaked out a bit.
Plus add in some financial stress, moving and buying first properties and career pressure..it kind of took the spontaneity out of things.
But we worked through the tough times. together.
then gradually things started to improve.
We were best friends after-all and deeply in love.
My life partner and soul mate without a doubt.
flash forward to 2005.
Baby Time.
Five years of marriage (and eight years together) under our belts and on very solid ground.
Lulu's first year was kind of blissful for us as a couple in a strange way.
Oh sure my physical self esteem took a nose dive seeing as I felt totally out of touch with my body and my new role as "mommy"
poor big daddy hasn't really had any hot action since she came into our lives as a result of this insecurity.
I definitely have some work to do in this department- must get past the body image issues.
but having lulu in our lives made us an official family.
I couldn't be happier.
Plus I loved watching big daddy in action as a new dad.
he was really amazing.
Year two was sweet though a little less than romantic due to lack of sleep and endless little visits from our pint sized little love child in the middle of the night and every morning.
Now we are in year three (how did this happen so quickly??)
we just "celebrated" (or more accurately took note) of our eight wedding anniversary.
Somehow the fire that was once there has faded to a dull ember.
It's not that I don't love big daddy, it's just so hard to feel connected when we never seem to have any time ALONE together.
The minute he walks in the door it's daddy daddy daddy!!!! and the second we try to have a sliver of a conversation, lulu starts acting up and shouts "NO TALKING mommy & daddy!!!!!"
This morning it was my 6:30 a.m. rise & shine shift and I made the coffee and tried to keep lulu quiet down stairs so that big daddy could grab an extra hour of shut eye (he is usually quite the saint when it comes to this particular morning ritual) and I am most grateful, but it was my turn.
no problem.
the second he walked down stairs lulu started acting up.
Not eaven letting us say good-morning to each other and hug.
We both kind of lost it.
She is the love of our lives, but what about us?
as a couple?
she is only three, but all this behaviour is starting to really take it's toll on our relationship.
Are we headed to divorce court?
no, not even close. well most days....
We are in it for the long haul, but come on already!
when exactly do things start to go back to the way they were?
or at least a little like how they were?
No one likes to talk about the strain kids can put on a relationship but I'm wondering if I'm not alone when it comes to issues like this?
anyone?

ole!

mmmm tapas....

luluisums

Lately Lulu has been totally cracking me up.
She has a really good sense of humour and really loves a good audience.
well sometimes.
the other day we were out and about and as per usual someone was staring and smiling at her.
she looks up at me and says "um mama...(I love when she calls me mama) I really don't like when people look at me"
then later that same day when someone else was looking and smiling at her she announces "I'm really cute".
all-righty then.
While on a bathroom break I was um..reminding her to well...wipe her "tutu".
For some reason we have always referred to her girl bits as her tutu.
Not sure why, as it certainly did cause some confusion when picking out her ballet outfit this fall...but anywho....
She corrects me and says "mommy it's not a tutu it's a she-nis"
okey dokey.
Last night after eating a nice big bowl of bean soup she told me that she had a bit of "gasoline" in her tummy and she might have to toot.
oy vey.
Some of her other phrases are "daddy shOOO!" or "mommy shOOO!" which usually lands her on the naughty step.
Or "mommy I'm full, I think I've had plenty"
I love when she says things like plenty, I apologize, oh dear! and that's lovely.
It's so cute hearing her say such grown up expressions in her sweet little voice.

In other happenings...
While watching the season finale to American Idol the other night, I recorded it so I wouldn't have to watch the commercials.
Just like last year.
Then right at the end when Ryan Seacreast says "and the winner of American Idol is David......" the recording stopped!
Gaaaaaa!!!!
I can't believe it happened again.
same thing last year.
But such a tease seeing as he got as far as the first name.
argh.
I loved that performance with David A. and One republic.
I can't get that song out of my head.
It's too late to apologize......lal laalllaaaaaa
I'm officially going to try to watch less T.V. now.
Summer is too short to spend it in front of the boob tube.
Well with the exception of So You Think You Can Dance.
Love love love that show..

We all survived yet another bout of the sickies.
Big daddy had a bad sinus infection topped off with allergies.
Lulu also had a cold all week and felt like crap, but was a trooper.
And bonus- now that's she's three can actually take better cold medication that really helped her through the night time.
Me. well I have been fighting off a cold all week.
I think I have done it.
At first sign of that tell tale tickle in the back of my throat I got my ass to my homey. doctor and had a round of acupuncture and got some herbs astragalus, oclonopsis, reishi, borage b, pau daro & ligustruim.
Tastes like hell, but I really think it's doing the trick.
who knows, maybe it's all mind over matter, but I'm going with it because it seems to be working for me so far.

So that's it for now.
There's lots more going on, but I will post about it later.
I'm burning through my me time (while Lulu is nursery school) and I haven't worked out in a few weeks and I'm in desperate need of a good sweat.
Until then, have a great weekend and hopefully it's warm enough to kick back and soak up a bit of sunshine.

may day

Hard to believe we are already over half way through May.
Such a busy month filled with birthdays (happy belated big daddy), mother's day and lots of catching up with friends that we haven't seen in ages.
Still quite a few that we are missing and are really looking forward to seeing over the summer ( you know who you are )
On top of our regular routine I started shooting the HGTV show I worked on last year.
looks like I wasn't a complete loser on t.v. as they asked me to do five more episodes this season.
So I've been back on set with the crew from last summer and really enjoying it.
Such a nice group of people that I really loved working with.
The only thing is coming up with an entirely new wardrobe.
I need about 4-5 outfits per episode.
If you are as bad at math as me, that's almost 25 outfits!
crazy.
Seeing as I'm the senior "stylist" they have to be half decent.
can't look too schleppy on tv.
Unfortunately I can't get any freebies so I may end up breaking even by then end of the summer.
Ah well...
I have to admit, it is fun to shop for things other than yoga pants and old navy tee's and the other practical park necessities.
so that's what I've been up to.
well in addition to trying to soak in all the beautiful spring flowers, blossoms and the vivid chartreuse green leaves on the trees.
I absolutely love this time of year, don't you?


oh and thank-you for all the great advice and comments on my last post.
very much appreciated and most helpful in easing my guilty conscience.

the devil wears pablum

Maybe that's not such a nice title....
(it's in reference to that cute bib she's wearing actually)
Lulu was far from a little devil as a baby.
In fact, she was quite the opposite.
We would literally be stopped on the street all the time and people would comment on her angelic face.
They still do.
Then again, maybe that's every baby? who knows.
I do know that as much as I enjoyed every minute of her while she was an infant the one thing that weighed heavily on my mind was always -Is this it?
Will she be our only child?
Should we just keep it at one?
Will this be the only time I rock a tiny baby to sleep at night?
Or the last time I get to hold a tiny body in my arms and watch her sleep?
I still feel that way.
I wish I just had the answer and could just move on and totally and completely embrace every part of raising an only child.
But the guilt. Oh the guilt.
I figured I would know by this point.
She's three now, already there would be at least a four year gap.....
But neither big daddy or I are feelin' it.
not even say 40% wanting a second.
For a variety of reasons.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if down the road will we have regrets?
Will Lulu be lonely?
Are we terrible parents by not wanting to do it all over again?
I have a brother- yet he lives on the other side of the planet, we never talk and for sure it will be me who will be looking out for our parents as they get older.
I have no problem with that, it's just that there really are no guarantees.
Then again, big daddy has three brothers and is quite close with...well actually only one of them.
okay...then there's my dad.
he has two sisters and well...actually he barely speaks to them.
Okay my mom.
She has seven bothers and sisters and they are all super close.
well all but one. but that's pretty good odds.
Oh what to do...
Last week I decided to finally take a little me time and book a facial.
Five minutes into the facial the esthetician asked me if I had any children.
"yes- one three year old daughter"
" are you planning on having more?"
"still not sure...um...err...we are pretty content with our little family of three"
"oh...don't just have one. I'm an only child, I'm divorced and my family is back in Romania and it's so lonely. I was always sad as a kid and wished I had a sibling tsk..tsk"
me....."um....oh...."
so my 60 minute relaxation facial was anything but.
I felt guilty during the entire thing.
So I'm going on a bit but it has to be the number one thing that I stress about.
I wish I didn't.
Every time I see siblings together or read about them and how wonderfully they get along I get an intense pang of guilt.
I just want a crystal ball to tell me if it will be okay to just keep things as they are or to take the plunge?
Then again, I am being a bit presumptuous.
Sometimes these things really are not in our hands.
I am 37 after-all.
And as an aside a very good friend just suffered a particular loss that illustrates how fragile life really is and how sometimes you don't have total control over these types of choices.
So really there are no guarantees.
Well except that tomorrow I'll still be stressing about this decision.