out of her shell

I haven't really planned much for Lulu this summer.
I figured we would sort of play it by ear.
Sure I signed her up for one week of "dance camp"- which she absolutely loved.
but that's about it.
So I got on the phone and spent last week trying to find some more day camps in the area that are still available.
I managed to get the last spot in a day camp next week which sounds great.
It's run by the teachers at her Nursery school which totally puts my mind at ease.
Lulu and I went to check it out and watch the kids do arts and crafts, play in the music room and have story time.
I think she'll have a blast.
In the mean time I'm trying to fill her dance card for this week.
I hit the jackpot.
The girls from a few houses down are going to hang out and play with her for a few hours all week.
Yay!
They actually used to live in our house before we moved in four years ago and I've been counting down the years to when they are old enough to watch Lulu.
The oldest is 12 and just finished her baby-sitting course and her sister is 10.
Lulu absolutely LOVES them. as do I.
It's sooo sweet watching girls that age with small kids.
They are old enough to be responsible, yet not too old to think it's lame to have tea parties and play with crayons and finger paints.
So I've booked them all week from 10-2.
Lulu was waiting by the window this morning at 8 a.m. asking when they would be here.
I get to keep an eye on them, yet actually get some things done around here...like errr..blogging...very important stuff ya know.
The only down side is that they leave for camp at the end of the week for the rest of the summer.
such a tease. dang.
And August was looking so promising!
Ah well, I'm sure I'll come up with more things to keep Lulu occupied.
Until then I'm in heaven.
More importantly-so is Lulu.

stick it

Whoever invented stickers is brilliant (and must have had kids)
Which made me ask the question, who in fact invented stickers?
This is what I came up with.

"As a stamp collector it is easy to answer who was responsible-sir Rowland Hill 1839 with his postal reform.
In 1840 he introduced the first adhesive paper in the form of the penny black stamps.
So to all the effects, Sir Rowland Hill introduced the first sticker on the market and carries all the credits."

but I preferred this answer:

"Steve 'sticky' Stickton from Stickport on the Stickland Islands."

whoever it was...genius.
and thank-you.

ups & downs

So many things I want to write about yet so little time.
Big daddy just took lulu around the block for a quick bike ride so I most likely will be interrupted way before I finish this post.
but here goes..

Even though the days are longer I can never seem to do everything I want to do in a day.
Taking time for myself (i.e.. writing on my blog) always falls to the bottom of the list.
I am trying to make changes to improve my mood and life in general because for the past few months I've been feeling quite overwhelmed and really guilty that I feel this way in the first place.
After all, there are women/mothers who have it a lot tougher than me out there, so I really don't feel like I even deserve to complain about anything.
Yet I do.
I'm finding dealing with Lulu more of a challenge than ever before.
On one hand she is so so over the top sweet and then in the blink of an eye she makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and put on my ipod and just hide.
hey...not a bad idea.....
but seriously, it's so much work negotiating with a three year old all the time ( the little creatures are such good manipulators and negotiators)
The fact that she is an only child, makes me her number one playmate at ALL times.
which is sweet, but bloody exhausting.
Gone are the days when she would entertain herself with playdough and colouring books.
Now I have to colour with her and I have to help shape and sculpt the playdough.
and oh how I miss those glorious napping years.
I so hope that she will eventually learn to entertain herself a little more than for 2 minutes at a time again.
Oh lord let this just be a phase....
When I lose my patience with her I end up feeling so guilty, it just kills me.
Then it just adds to the stress of it all.
I'm not sure why I have such high expectations of myself as a mother, after all it's kind of a learn-as-you-go kind of occupation.
But the perfectionist in me wants to be the best mother I can be- which lately doesn't feel so great.

I've been trying to do some "work" on managing my stress and anxiety levels. (and my unrealistic perfectionist tendencies)
I've been exercising all week and it's really helped.
REALLY helped.
I wish I could work out every day.
After a good workout, I walk up the driveway feeling almost like me again and happy and relaxed and the second I walk in the door it ends up feeling chaotic.
What's for lunch? where's my black shorts? mommy I have to tinkle, I'm thirsty mommy, Play with me mommy, Did you put sunscreen on her before you left? what are we doing today? where are we going? I'm hungry what's for lunch? (big daddy not lulu) calgon take me away!
that hour feels like it almost didn't happen.
This weekend in particular was pretty frustrating.
I went to the gym yesterday morning from 8:30-9:30.
Before leaving I made the beds, put clothes out for Lulu and fed her her breakfast.
Big daddy really didn't have too much to deal with while I was gone.
but later that day he made a sarcastic comment about me and the fact that I get time to myself and he feels he doesn't.
I was really hurt and it really bothered me because he is usually pestering me to go out more on my own and to do things for myself.
The more frustrated we get as parents the more we bicker as a couple.
Not big fights or anything major, but just not connecting.
I have written about this in the past and I keep saying to big daddy that "three is a challenging stage, as she gets older it will get easier"
but does it?

So enough about all the negatives- now time to focus on the positives.
Big daddy had a few extra days off so we had a bit of a long weekend.
We managed to have some fun and do some things with Lulu that I know she loved.
We went to the Zoo, the splash pad, we went for Sushi one night which she loves, we got a new bike trailer and went on a nice long cycle and ended up at a fantastic park on the other end of the city, we played hide & seek, she got a new big girl bike, we ate lots of ice cream, we spent a day on the boat, she flew a kite with her dad, she was smothered with kisses and hugs for the majority of the weekend- with the exception of two or three moments on the naughty step.
So yes Life is good- well for Lulu at least.
She had a pretty exciting weekend.
But Monday is looking pretty good right about now.
I'm shooting the last episode of the hgtv show tomorrow- yay!
well I still have a few days in the third and fourth week of July but I'm almost finished.
Big daddy is back at work tomorrow (4 days is plenty....love ya big D- but I know you're feelin the same)
Lulu starts camp tomorrow too. (it's only from 9-12 but I think it's just what the doctor ordered-literally)
so life is all good.
Just needed to rant a little in the beginning, because let's face it it feels good to bitch about the ups and downs of motherhood.
At least for me.
It can't all be puppies and kittens right?
Oh and did I mention lulu's current puppy obsession?
When a woman at the grocery store asked lulu if she had a brother or sister she said "oh no-but when I'm five I'm getting a real puppy"
"but for now this is my dog pewter- he's not real though"
in reference to a little stuffed grey mini schnauzer that big daddy got her a few weeks ago.

too damn cute and so worth every frustrating moment.

happy holiday

Long time no blog.
Catching up with life now that I'm feeling a little more like me these past few days.
Blogging seems to have fallen to the bottom of the list- not to mention the fact that I have been spending as much time as humanly possible outside.
Yesterday was the absolute perfect day weather wise.
I wish everyday could be like that.
We spent Canada Day on Toronto Island & on the boat and had so much fun.
We ended up staying until this morning and let Lulu stay up to watch her first official fireworks display.
It was amazing and she was in awe.
It was so nice not having to fight the crowds and just snuggle up on the back of the boat watching our own private show.
Bliss....
Happy belated Canada day and to my favourite gals south of the border (you know who you are)- Happy 4th of July!

fresh finds

A few weeks ago...no make that over a month and a half ago....I came across this beautiful radicchio di Castelfranco at the market.
I went without a list and thought I would let the fresh produce be my inspiration.
I've never really been a big fan of radicchio- a little too bitter for my taste buds. (kind of like gin & tonic...ick)
But it's really been growing on me.
Radicchio not tonic.
Especially one as delicate as this.
I simply tossed it in some excellent quality extra virgin olive oil & some vincotto 4 year Italian balsamic, fresh grated Parmesan Reggiano and a bit of sea salt & fresh cracked pepper and viola.
I also grilled up a couple of Cumbrea's strip loins that I coated in a William's Sonoma Coffee & Spice dry rub that were amazing.
I'm not usually into prepared rubs and sauces but this one rocks.
I also scored some gorgeous fresh baby leeks, so I whipped up a little white bean, sautéed leek concoction that was de-lish.
A really nice side for the tender steaks.
yum.
Alleluia....could this mean a returning appetite?

love is the best medicine

first off...thanks for all the words of well wishes.
Quite frankly I'm surprised anyone is still reading seeing as my blog has been so woe is me lately.

I honestly don't like to even post about my health issues, as I'm sure it's the last thing anyone really wants to read about.
It's certainly the last thing I want to think or write about.
I feel like such a broken record about all this ear stuff.
But hopefully eventually I will be able to look back at this time in my life when I eventually feel like me again- IF I ever feel like me again- and really really appreciate my good fortune and health.
I did get in to see my doctor yesterday and had some blood work done.
She looked in both ears and said yes there does seem to be fluid in the middle ear and small scabs on both ear drums.
grrrreat.
she gave me a corticosteroid nasal spray and said that the decongestants that I had been taking might be a contributing factor to my stomach issues.
But still have to wait for the results of the tests to find out exactly what is causing the weight loss.
I asked how long will it take for my ears to completely heal? after-all it's been since January...
She didn't know exactly.
I asked if I should go and see another ENT and she said they would probably say the same thing.
I asked if she had seen other cases like mine and she said- well I actually have never seen ruptured ear drums.
ummm...so wouldn't it make sense to go and see someone with more experience with this kind of thing??
not that I said that.
I just smiled and thanked her for seeing me on such short notice.
Why do I hesitate to question my doctor?
It's my health after-all.
I just don't want to insult her or worse annoy her.
Nothing worse than an annoyed doctor.
But I think I am going to keep trying to get in to see another ENT despite her "advice"
In the mean time I have my little Dr. Lulu to help keep my mind off of things.
She has been such an angel these past few days.
On Sunday she pulled the stool up to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and brought me a bottle of eucalyptus oil and said "here mommy this unchiliptis oil with help you get better"
It melted my heart.
then she proceeded to rub a little on a tissue on my neck.
um thanks sweetie.
Then I promptly moved all drugs to the top shelf where hopefully she won't be able to reach them.
While at the lab yesterday and giving blood samples she offered to hold my hand to help me be brave.
then said "let's get you a popsicle mommy so you can feel better after they needled you."
She kept asking all kinds of questions at my doctor's appointment.
"why is she taking your blood pressure mommy?"
So cool that she knew what my Doc was doing. a proud moment for momma.
"to see that my blood pressure is elevated sweetie"
"is she going to use a tongue suppressor on you? I don't like those- they make me choke"
"don't forget the check my mommy's heart with the stesiscope"
speaking of annoyed doctors....
My little advocate.
Maybe there's a future in medicine for my little gal??
at least then maybe we might have "an in" down the road when we are old and grey and don't want to wait like nine months for an appointment with a specialist.

dr.doctor

Once again I feel like crap.
I just can't seem to get back to normal since my ear problems in January.
My ears are plugged, I'm nauseous, can't eat, I keep losing weight (which at this point no longer feels like a bonus)
I feel tired most the time, I keep getting hives, I also have never been so closely aquatinted with my bathroom....if ya know what I mean.
I just want to feel normal again.
Last weekend was lovely (as per my last post) but I failed to report that half way through dinner I needed to make a dash for the washroom and wasted a perfectly fine meal. and evening.
Sunday I didn't want to stray too far from home...just in case....
So as nice a weekend as it was...it certainly could have been better.
I keep thinking- it has to get better.
I have good days and then not such good days. like most of this past week.
I'm so fed up of this and I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy.
The "woosh...woosh wooshing" in my right ear isn't really helping matters.
All I can keep down (or in) is bananas, and oatmeal. barely.
I'm going to try to get in to see my doctor tomorrow and hopefully see if we can't pull a few strings and get in to see a specialist to get a second opinion about my ears.
I just feel bad for big daddy having to deal with this as well.
In sickness and in health that's for sure.

first mate

I had such a relaxing weekend and I was a bit sad to have it come to an end this morning.
Lulu loved being at my parents and truth be told big daddy & I were in desperate need of a little break.
We spent a fair bit of time at home just enjoying the freedom of uninterrupted conversations, no schedules and geez barely even running the dishwasher.
what is it about kids and all their cups, bowls, plates and other kiddie paraphernalia?
One night we just stayed in and barbecued and enjoyed the back yard together.
The next we went out for a casual sushi dinner, enjoying walking in the city past 8 p.m.
I so miss taking a nice stroll around the neighbourhood at night.
It really is the simple things....
Then on Friday after a long week of work, we decided to have dinner on the boat.
Oh did I forget to mention that big daddy bought a boat?
(please don't hate me.....)
yes he got a boat and although I had reservations about it, I am sooo glad he did.
It rocks!
I've only been on it a couple of times, but each time I was on Lulu patrol and watching her like a hawk making sure she was safe.
So it was a real luxury to just relax, enjoy the sunset and have dinner with big daddy on the water.
Saturday we got up and did an early morning yoga class together.
Yes together!
I was so impressed that big daddy decided to join me.
what a guy.
Then we spent the rest of the day back on the boat exploring Toronto island and loving every second of the day.
We went out for a really nice dinner, but truth be told I would have been just as happy throwing a few burgers on the bbq, but I felt we had to take full advantage of the child-free weekend and go out.
Sunday I made my morning check-in call to see how Lulu was doing- up until Sunday she barely said two words to me on the phone because she was too excited to be at grandma & grandpas' place, but by day four she was asking to come home.
Say no more.
Her wish was our command.
within 10 minutes big daddy was in the car to pick her up, three hours later she was home safe and sound.
She was so happy to be home and we surprised her with a kiddie pool in the backyard filled with all her water toys.
We spent the day just relaxing by (in) the "pool" with our little gal.
And although Thursday, Friday & Saturday were relaxing and a real treat, nothing compared to how nice it was spending Sunday together.
Our little family of three.
so glad she's back.
Drag that I had to say good-bye again this morning when the babysitter picked her up at 9 a.m.
Sometimes I guess all it takes is a little time apart to realize how precious lulu is to us and how lucky we are to have her in our lives.
There is much to be grateful for.
especially big daddy, because without him none of these things would be possible.
love u big d & thanks for a wonderful weekend xox

missin u

Life as a freelancer can be really great.
Then again it can also be a royal pain in the ass when it comes to trying to make plans.
I had my week all organized with a mix of a nanny looking after Lulu on Monday and my parents were booked for Wednesday and Thursday.
Next Monday I booked the Nanny and next Wed, Thursday with my mom again.
Sounds like a perfect plan.
Bonus I still get to spend Tuesday and Friday with my peanut and work as well.
But yesterday my client told me that today's shoot is a no go due to the possibility of thunder showers.
and could I do Friday instead?
Ah the joys of shooting an outdoor garden story.
My parents couldn't stay in the city on Friday and I couldn't get a hold of the Nanny.
So they offered to take her back to their place last night (which I haven't even seen yet, as they just moved in last week) for a few days.
hmmm.... not a bad idea, and it certainly would help me out in the child care department.
So I packed Lulu's bags and said farewell.
sniff sniff.
Bummer that big daddy is working late tonight and now I have the day "off".
Crazy thing is I actually have no idea what to do with it.
I'm never alone. Now what??
Funny how I felt like I really needed a personal break and some "me time" and the second Lulu is gone I have no idea what to do with myself.
The house just feels so empty and quiet.
My mom offered to keep her until next week....it makes sense, seeing as I'm working and it would save me from having to pay someone.
Plus Lulu LOVES being at my parents.
She has such a blast when she visits them.
But Next week!!!
it seems so long.
I know I will miss her terribly.
I already do and it's not even been a full day.
I'm sure the break will do us all some good (especially big daddy & I re: my last post)
But I love my little lady and I feel so...I don't know.....empty without her.
I'm pathetic.
I should just take advantage of this time and be grateful that I have such great parents that are willing and able to give us a little break.
Okay starting right now I'm going to embrace this time.
Okay, I'll shut up now.

Daddy's Home!!

I remember a time, oh say around 10 years ago today...
that I could not wait until the end of the work day to see big daddy.
I would literally be counting down the minutes until he would pick me up from work,
and we would race back to my apartment to ah....well...catch up on the daily events.
at least that's one way of putting it.
Oh how I wish I could bottle up those early months and save them up for rainy days (or more accurately drought like conditions)

Then after a full year of bliss we decided to move in together.
Feb. 14 1998. oh how romantic.
the first year living in sin was oh so sinful, as well as the second and third.
We had so much fun together. It was amazing.
then we got married.

Suddenly everything was like forever scoob.
Zoinks.
time to grow up and get serious.
I have to admit, year one was a bit rough.
Everything felt so permanent, and I freaked out a bit.
Plus add in some financial stress, moving and buying first properties and career pressure..it kind of took the spontaneity out of things.
But we worked through the tough times. together.
then gradually things started to improve.
We were best friends after-all and deeply in love.
My life partner and soul mate without a doubt.
flash forward to 2005.
Baby Time.
Five years of marriage (and eight years together) under our belts and on very solid ground.
Lulu's first year was kind of blissful for us as a couple in a strange way.
Oh sure my physical self esteem took a nose dive seeing as I felt totally out of touch with my body and my new role as "mommy"
poor big daddy hasn't really had any hot action since she came into our lives as a result of this insecurity.
I definitely have some work to do in this department- must get past the body image issues.
but having lulu in our lives made us an official family.
I couldn't be happier.
Plus I loved watching big daddy in action as a new dad.
he was really amazing.
Year two was sweet though a little less than romantic due to lack of sleep and endless little visits from our pint sized little love child in the middle of the night and every morning.
Now we are in year three (how did this happen so quickly??)
we just "celebrated" (or more accurately took note) of our eight wedding anniversary.
Somehow the fire that was once there has faded to a dull ember.
It's not that I don't love big daddy, it's just so hard to feel connected when we never seem to have any time ALONE together.
The minute he walks in the door it's daddy daddy daddy!!!! and the second we try to have a sliver of a conversation, lulu starts acting up and shouts "NO TALKING mommy & daddy!!!!!"
This morning it was my 6:30 a.m. rise & shine shift and I made the coffee and tried to keep lulu quiet down stairs so that big daddy could grab an extra hour of shut eye (he is usually quite the saint when it comes to this particular morning ritual) and I am most grateful, but it was my turn.
no problem.
the second he walked down stairs lulu started acting up.
Not eaven letting us say good-morning to each other and hug.
We both kind of lost it.
She is the love of our lives, but what about us?
as a couple?
she is only three, but all this behaviour is starting to really take it's toll on our relationship.
Are we headed to divorce court?
no, not even close. well most days....
We are in it for the long haul, but come on already!
when exactly do things start to go back to the way they were?
or at least a little like how they were?
No one likes to talk about the strain kids can put on a relationship but I'm wondering if I'm not alone when it comes to issues like this?
anyone?