making peace

For the past few months I've been feeling really content.
I don't often feel this way- in fact I never feel this way.
I'm usually questioning every single decision I make and wondering if I should be doing things differently.
Should I make pasta tonight or rice?
kidding-sort of.
But in all seriousness, when I worked full time pre- Lulu-I wondered- is this it?
Is life all about just working, material things and making money?
Then when I had Lulu I wondered- Is this it?
Now that I'm a mother and at home with my daughter, is it interesting and stimulating enough without my full time career?
Will I be happy staying at home full time?
In the beginning I struggled with my new identity and roll as a mother.
Then again, who doesn't?
I loved it, don't get me wrong- but at the same time I always felt so torn.
I envied my friends who had a career with a paid Mat leave- then after that time was up, they went back to work and just got on with things and adjusted.
period.
No sitting on the fence wondering when the best time to go back to work would be.
The decision was made for them.
Then again I envied my friends (all 2 of them) that stayed at home and completely embraced it.
Ran their home like a well oiled machine.
They were always on the go and out the door, doing all sorts of activities with their kids and themselves.
I was (am) so in awe of these women.
The ones that work full time- I scratch my head and wonder how the heck they manage.
And the ones who gave up very successful careers to stay at home with their kids and do it with such enthusiasm.
Me, well- I fall into a different category all together- kind of a little of both worlds.
Trying to do the odd free lance gig here and there, doing the t.v. show in the summers but still being at home with Lulu full time.
It's not that I'm complaining- in fact I wouldn't want it any other way- but it's always felt a bit like being in limbo.
Until now.
Lately I'm really feeling comfortable in my own skin.
It only took me 4 years...
I'm so blown away by how fast time goes by when you have a child.
I'm so glad I didn't rush back to the craziness of full time work and miss out on all the amazing things I've had the privilege to experience with Lulu.
I highly doubt that I would have said 10 years from now- "oh I really wish I had propped that great photo shoot"
That being said- I am starting to think about my next move as far as work is concerned.
I do miss it some times.
What do I want to do that still gives me flexibility and also satisfaction?
Still trying to figure that out I guess.
And do I even want to do what I've been doing for the past 10 plus years?
Not entirely sure.
But I do know that for the moment, I feel fulfilled and happy.
And very very lucky that I get to make this decision in the first place.

trash talk

I think it's around day 31 of the Toronto city worker- garbage strike.
For the most part the strike really hasn't affected us too badly.
Big daddy takes our trash & recycling to work where we have private pick up.
Our neighbourhood is practically empty in the summer with most people at the cottage or on vacation, so as far as I can tell things look pretty decent.
Even our neighbours who have FOUR freakin green bins have been away most of July so fortunately no smell of rotting decay wafting over our side of the fence. Yet.
Alleluia!
But that's where it ends.
I was at the R.O.M. on the weekend and I must say that Bloor St. is looking pretty shite.
The city is really screwing up big time.
This is tourist season and what kind of a message are we trying to send to people?
We are still trying to bounce back after Sars and the recession and now this!
piles of garbage in our parks and all along our beautiful Lakeshore.
welcome to Toronto folks.
Not to mention all the park program closures.
Thankfully I decided to go the private camp route and not sign Lulu up for any city parks & rec. programs.
all cancelled.
Our weekly trips to riverdale farm are no longer.
Though I must admit that I am a bit relieved that all the splash pads are closed as I've never really been a big fan of those murky petrie dishes...
I much prefer the parks with water sprinklers- and fortunately there's a few around our neighbourhood.
Not that it's been hot enough to use them. grrrr...
I know I mentioned that it's pretty nice having our own boat so that we can enjoy a crowd free and quiet Toronto island.
But it would be nice if the amusement park at Center Island was opened for all the rides for the kids.
I especially feel bad for all those students who work there that were depending on a paycheck for the summer to help pay their tuition in the fall.
Anyhow all I can say is that I'm getting pretty fed up with it.
Both big daddy & I are self employed and if we get sick we don't get paid- simple as that.
so all this crap about banking sick days and holding out for more money for the unions is very frustrating.
But ultimately it's not the union bosses that are hurting it's everyone else.
So frustrating that it seems as though our city is being run by a bunch of morons.
that's my rant for the day.
deep breath.
Not too deep though- don't want to inhale any stinky garbage fumes.

anyone else being affected by the city strike?

read-a-long

The good thing about being in a book club is that it encourages me to read more.
Less t.v. more books.
Though I have to say that I am still really enjoying this and this.

Come Thou Tortoise by Jessica Grant was our last book and I must admit, I didn't finish it.
definitely not what I would describe as a gripping novel.
It moved as fast as a tortoise that's for sure.

Before that I read Notes From An Exhibition by Patrick Gale.
It wasn't a book club pick but I really enjoyed it.
It's the story of an artist, her children, her mental illness and her creative genius.
Gale moves seamlessly between different characters, and from past to present...An excellent summer read.

Six Months In Sudan by Dr. James Maskalyk was our book choice for the month of May and once again I didn't finish it.
It received rave reviews from everyone in our book club, so I may go back and give it another go.
But I guess I wasn't really in the right head space for the subject matter.
Lulu happen to have a mystery fever for five days while I was trying to read it and I just couldn't think about severe illness and dying children.
But like I said, I do think I will pick it up where I left off.

I just finished The Heretics Daughter by Kathleen Kent.
The Heretics Daughter is a novel that starts out strong, lost my interest a bit, and then picked up again at the end.
I enjoyed it overall, but in the end I was glad I managed to finished the book.
Not that it was a heavy read but somewhere in the middle of the book I just got a little bored.
I felt that it was a well researched novel though and very descriptive of that particular time period.
I find the Salem Witch trials quite fascinating and so incredibly insane.
I really loved the cover, which was what attracted me to it in the first place (what can I say I' a sucker for beautiful book covers) the haunted look on this girl's face, and her dark features drew me right in.
Then again, a good lesson is that you can't always judge a book by it's cover.
Overall I would describe this book as okay.

Little Bee by Chris Cleave was another book club pick.
I really enjoyed this book and again, I doubt it would have been one I would have picked up at the book store.
That's the good thing about book clubs, it really does get you reading books you might not normally be drawn to.
It's the story of a 16-year-old Nigerian orphan-"Little Bee" and a upper middle class British couple- two journalists trying to repair their strained marriage with a free holiday-who maybe should have stayed behind their resort walls.
Then again if they had- there wouldn't be a story to tell.
The story is told in two voices- Little Bee and Sarah a 30 something British magazine editor.
Their lives couldn't be more opposite and the contrast between the two is what I enjoyed the most.
Interesting that it's a male author who writes as two entirely different women.
I think he did a convincing job- though a few others in our book club disagreed.
Another great part of being part of a book club- fun to hear different opinions.
Either way I would definitely recommend this book.

It Sucked and Then I Cried by Heather Armstrong was a book sent to me by Canadian family Magazine to review.
I've been following Heather's blog since the beginning, so I was totally open to reading her book.
Again, not necessarily a book I would have gone and purchased but I have to admit it was really humorous and in some ways much more entertaining than her blog.
She is a very honest and funny writer and I could identify with so many things that she writes about.
I think it's so great that there are "mommy bloggers" out there that are not only making a good living from their blogs but are able to get book deals and support their families as a result.
Hey and even get to appear on Oprah to boot! way to go Heather!
Blogging has come a long way that's for sure.

So that's what's been on my bedside table (books that is...)- what about you?
what are you reading these days?

lovin the cuzins

Lulu's cousins were here for a quick visit- and when I say quick- I mean quick.
Big daddy's brother had the kids for his 2 weeks (pending divorce situation) and decided to take them to NYC and then stop in Toronto for 5 days.
Unfortunately he decided to visit with friends instead of us.
well that is until the last day before they left.
We were working so I get it- but it's really unfortunate because Lulu absolutely adores her cousins.
Big daddy was quite pissed at the situation actually and for the first time ever- had "words" with his bro.
Oh the drama...
I pretty much stayed out of it- I have my own issues with my brother...
but that's a whole other post.
But they are such great girls and it was so nice to see them- albeit brief.
At least we had an afternoon together.
We swam, we shopped, we ate ice-cream and sushi. what more could a girl want?
I'm just sad to see them go.
As was Lulu- sad was an understatement.
I had to do some serious consoling once they were gone.



I only wished they lived closer...
very sweet watching them all together.

do you have to pea?

It's been a long time since I was inspired by food.
Not sure what happened over the past year or so, but I guess it just became something that fell to the bottom of the priority list and became just "fuel" for lack of a better term.
But now that we are mid-summer there are so many gorgeous veggies and herbs to choose from that I find myself getting excited about new recipes I want to try.
Fresh peas being one of my new favourite things.
Especially when tossed with a bit of Frantoia olive oil and fresh chopped mint from my herb garden.
The scallops were sprinkled with fresh maldon sea salt, organic lemon zest and fresh thyme (again from my garden) and pan seared for around 3 minutes per side.
I used the side burner on big daddy's new kick ass manly uber barbeque.
It's nice to be able to cook an entire meal outside.
SO good.
SO simple.
And bonus- so healthy & low cal.

Island strike

One good thing about the city strike- no ferries to Toronto Island.
Which means no crowds, no garbage all over the place or loud annoying music playing at huge family picnics.
Maybe it's just me- but I think playing loud music in public spaces shouldn't be allowed without a permit.
It was so beautiful and quiet- that in a way I was kind of hoping the strike would continue a little longer- or at least for a few more island visits.

Oh and bonus that it was Pride weekend so all the beaches were practically empty.
Last year we made a wrong turn and ended up at the clothing optional gay beach.
Lulu looks up at me and says "um mommy why did all those men forget to wear their bathing suits?"
and "why are they all shiny and orange?"
Thank g-d we didn't wander behind a wrong cluster of bushes and trees..
Now that would be hard to explain...

eat pray love

A friend lent me this book months ago, and for some reason it just sat collecting dust on the bookshelf.
She really enjoyed it and assured me that I would too.
Then again my favourite gal at my favourite local book store steered me away from buying it calling it "quite self indulgent" and recommended some other fantastic books instead.
stay tuned for those.
I eventually got around to reading it (and am glad I borrowed not bought it)
There were some parts that I really enjoyed-ie. the Eat part.
Who doesn't like reading about eating gelato for breakfast in Italy?
and I guess I didn't mind the love part.
but maybe only because I was loving the fact that I was almost finished the book.
Don't get me wrong- I have nothing against praying- it's just that I had a really hard time relating to the thought of just taking a year to "find myself" and just eat...pray, practice yoga & meditation.
No responsibility, no relationships no family- nada.
At least not in your mid-thirties.
Don't know if I was envious of the author's freedom or felt a bit sorry for her.
Oh who am I kidding?...I was super jealous.
"Finding myself" these days consists of having a shower until the hot water runs out.
which sadly is around 6.5 minutes- seeing as I'm the last to get ready in the morning.
I might add that that "meditative" 6.5 minutes is often interrupted by a certain someone deciding to keep me company.
"hey momma- how ya doin in there? do you want my mermaid Goldie to play with? do ya? huh? huh?"
note to self: must get lock installed on bathroom door.
ommmm....
So needless to say I had a hard time identifying with Elizabeth and her journey of self discovery.
But I am glad I soldiered though and finished the book.
Like I said the Love part was nice.
Good to know there are some people out there who still get bladder infections from well...too much loving.
Oh the good ol' days.
Cranberry juice anyone?

Speaking of love...
Definitely going trough a bitter sweet stage with Lulu at the moment.
The sweet part being everything about her.
Her little voice, her tiny soft hands, her absolute and constant unconditional love for me.
The bitter part being that she just can't get enough of me.
"Momma, momma, mamma, mommy, mom, mommy, mama, mommy....."
NON stop all day long.
So no- no time to eat pray and "love" at least in the vertical sense.
I keep wondering if it's because she's an only child.
Or maybe it's just the stage she's in.
What ever it is- please tell me I'm not alone.
Anyone??..

oh and in addition to thousand or so times I hear "mama, mommy, mom" all day long, these are a few other gems I have to put down before they are no longer.
} "momma...ya know what?" said before every single thing she says all day long.
I'd say somewhere in the neighbourhood of 387 times a day- not that I'm counting.
me- "no what?" -"umhum?" - "no but I'm sure you're about to tell me.."
} "I'm not whiiiindinggggggggg" a.k.a. whining.
} " momma- who is Ord Jesus?"
} " I like your eye lashes mommy- they are so princessish"
Gotta love Maybelline.
} "mommy you have the softest whitest skin ever"
the soft part is great -the white part not so great seeing as I have been doing my best to camouflage my nearly translucent white legs with my sunless tanning lotion.
ah well at least she didn't start trying to trace the blue veins with her tiny soft fingers and say "momma, your legs are so soft white and blueish"

unplugged

So there has been much improvement in the marriage department here at casapetitegourmand since big daddy got back from L.A.
I think some time apart really helped to put things into perspective- for both of us.
I was definitely feelin' the luv when he got home.
I suppose it didn't hurt that he came home to scented candles burning, some delicious food and well...me.
He supplied the wine.
Straight from Hartley Ostini in Santa Barbara California.
2006 Hitching Post Pinot Noir. bless his sorry ass.
After one sip he was instantly out of the dog house.
Who needs jewelery or flowers?
After 12 years together, what can I say? the man knows me too well.
So after lots of catching up- which was nice- I feel like things are back on track.
I asked him not to email or call everyday while he was gone- just so that we could really have a break.
It's not really a break when we are on skype, or sending a dozen emails a day or talking about each day play by play.
Time to just unplug and think.
One of my biggest issues was how "connected" big daddy is. (and everyone for that matter)
I mean people- get off your phone and pay attention to the damn road! and texting and driving- don't even get me started...
But I digress..
I can completely respect the fact that he runs his own business and needs to be available to clients, but really- 24/7 was getting to be a bit much.
And quite honestly all this texting etc. really isn't always essential- and most often kind of a social waste of time.
My time. or make that OUR time- as in Lulu & I.
Not that I want to control that part of his life- but at least during dinner.
Not too much to ask I think.
So as a result of our "discussion"
aka TURN.THAT.FREAKIN.THING.OFF.OR.I'M.OUTTA.HERE.
Big daddy finishes all calls on the way home, once he's in the driveway he shuts off his phone and computer and just hangs out with Lulu.
Just the two of them- no distractions, just father & daughter chatting about their day.
It makes such a HUGE difference.
I get to enjoy a bit of quiet cooking time- and Lulu is content that she had some quality attention and is really well behaved during dinner.
MUCH less interrupting, lots of funny discussions and everyone seems to be way more chilled.
Big improvement.
As for big daddy & I ending up not talking after Lulu goes to bed- well let's just say that we are trying a new M.O. and having a few nights a week "unplugged".
No computers- maybe a movie that we can both enjoy, a bit of t.v. but much more reading or just hanging together.
well except for when my all time favourite summer show is on.
So You Think You Can Dance.
In the words of Mary Murphy- whaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHaaaaa!!!!!
I love this show.
so no unplugging when it's on.
no double standards happening around here. uhhuh. nope. none at all.
that's it- gotta go. my show's on.


oh and don't feel too bad for big daddy- he's currently out for drinks with friends/clients.
Another goal is to take a night a week each to just do our own thing.
fine by me.
absence really does make the heart grow fonder,
Well that and make time to watch stupid reality t.v.

besties

I find myself being a bit of a match maker with Lulu these days.
Through-out the school year she has made some really sweet friends.
She has her "best" pal who lives across the street and whose parents have an uncanny amount in common with Big daddy & I.
In fact a crazy amount of similarities.
So it makes sense that the girls get along so well, and I also happen to think the world of this little girl- aka Lulu's Twin.
There's a few more that I just adore.
Lucky for me, Lulu feels the same and is drawn to their gentle and kind nature and asks to have play dates with them.
Fine by me.
I also have to like the parents of course- which in the case of most of Lulu's friends I do.
But is that wrong?
it's just that it's kind of nice when you can be friends with the parents of your kid's friends.
Makes things that much easier.
And lets face it- most often children are pretty reflective of the people raising them.
There is however (okay- here comes my daily negative banter) one kid in Lulu's class who really irritates me.
Always has.
From the second I met her- and her entire family.
They also live close by and I'm friends some people that live right next door to them.
They have filled me in on all the annoying daily stuff that would have me selling my house immediately if we happened to live next to them.
Thank g-d we don't though.
Anyhow, this kid is loud and always covered head to toe in food- which totally grosses me out, she's a bit of a bully and she gets into trouble at school frequently.
NURSERY school.
what's this kid going to be like in a few more years?
yikes.
But as luck should have it she really likes Lulu and every single day asks if she can come over to our house to play.
and everyday I make some sort of excuse.
I feel bad about this- but what can I say? this kid rubs me the wrong way.
And honestly I don't really want to foster a relationship with Lulu and her (or her family)
I'm so mean I know.
More importantly Lulu never asks to play with her- other than when they see each other at the park.
And not once has she asked if she could come over to our house to play.
But the fact that she has never asked for a play date, leads me to believe that Lulu's not that crazy about this kid either.
What can I say?- my child is extremely smart.
I've never said anything- after all we plan on living in this neighbourhood for a long time and who needs enemies?
Especially four and a half year olds that tower over the rest of the kids at school...this kid could be a future WWF wrestler for all I know.
so my point is- is it okay to kind of steer your kids into relationships that you feel comfortable with?
and does anyone else out there do the same thing?

Oh and isn't it a drag when you have good adult friends with children and your kids don't get along?
haven't crossed that bridge yet- but I do find myself immensely relieved when Lulu plays nice with our friend's kids.

it's the little things

What is it about miniature things?
Everything is just so much cuter when it's little.
I've mentioned before that we are a tad space-challenged here at casapetitegourmand.
And being the neurotic OCD clean and organization freak that I am, I like to be able to put all of Lulu's toys out of sight (out of mind) at the end of the day.
Especially considering our basement is kind of a playroom/entertainment room combo that we all have to share.
Space is at a premium and unfortunately for Lulu we don't really have the room for any large kids toys.
As in the oh so adorable P.B. Kitchen- which I have coveted for over 4 years now.
But while we were in NYC a few weeks ago we made a "little" purchase at FAO Schwartz that is just too cute for words.

So since we don't have enough space for a big/small kitchen we got a little Little Kitchen for lulu.

She just loves it.
We got her the whole set- with the cutest little food bits that you can imagine.
The bacon even sizzles on the stove, there's mini bagels, and a toaster that pops up and a dozen tiny tiny eggs in an egg carton. Too sweet.
There are the cutest little die cast iron pots & pans that would put my All Clad to shame.
A blender that spins around, pasta, popcorn with a popping popcorn maker, tiny (and I mean tiny) french-fries, hotdogs and hamburgers, miniature garlic bread, soda, tea & coffee.
The list goes on.
Oh and I added some really cool Japanese sushi erasers to her growing collection.
Apparently Kitchen Littles is considered a retro toy that originally made it's debut in the early nineties then disappeared for a while.
I'm glad it's back.
Though I have my eye on some adorable vintage mini kitchen accessories on EBay.
Seriously how do they even make things this small?
and more importanly how on earth do I avoid vaccumming them up each day?
Not that I vaccum every day.
I'm just saying.
I do love playing with it with her- though I'm really not sure who's having more fun,
Lulu or me.