Tuesday, June 27, 2006

party of one

big daddy and I had the talk over the weekend.
only child or siblings?
we are both leaning heavily in the only child direction.
who knows?
maybe we'll change our mind, but when we look at the advantages to just having one child,
they seem to outweigh the disadvantages.
I'm always amazed when I hear other women say that they loved being pregnant.
I'm thinking "am I crazy? but there really wasn't anything I LIKED about being pregnant."
chronic heart burn, excruciating back pain.
I had "round ligament pain" from about 4 months on.
For those of you who don't know what that is, consider yourselves blessed.
I got fat(ter).
32 lbs total. on a 5'1 frame...I felt like a cow.
sex. let's not even go there.
the first 14 weeks were like a never ending hangover-without the night before of reckless fun.
no wine, brie & goat cheese, sashimi or carpaccio for almost a year!
all of my favourites.
the moving and kicking inside my ribs-and god knows where else.
okay that part I didn't mind so much, but it was kinda freaky and sort of felt alien-like.
but reassuring nonetheless.
then there's the piece du resistance...giving birth.
I don't know who ever coined the phrase "you forget the pain" but they must have been heavily into the sauce,
because I WILL NEVER forget that pain.
was it worth it?
would I willingly do it again?
I can't imagine.
nor do I really want to.
so at risk of sounding like a selfish and wimpy person,
the prospect of being pregnant ever again, is more than a little daunting.
there are lots of other reasons that either of us isn't too crazy about the concept of more than one child,
aside from the physicallities of actually popping one out.
we have a small house and don't really want to have to move.
much easier to travel. which is something we love to do.
One is so much more manageable and affordable.
I'm no spring chicken, already 35 and IF we ever had a second, I would like to have at least 3-4 year gap between kids. making me almost 40.
Not sure if I'll be up for a newborn when I'm 40.
(though two very goods friends just had babies in their respective fourties, so it is possible but for me, who knows??)
Things are finally starting to feel somewhat "normal" again.
well maybe not normal, but a tad less frantic and insane.
I don't know if our marriage could handle another child.
It's hard work, and a marriage is really put through the test when you have a baby around.
Thankfully we were on really solid ground pre-baby with 6 years together under our belt,
because really, it's no walk in the park.
no siree.
people don't really talk about that though..everyone just pretends to be all blissful and happy.
well sometimes you actually are,
but other times you are like " you don't know how hard this is!!!!" said between sobs.
"YOU stay home for just ONE day and see how YOU like it!!!!"
"I DON"T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!! at least YOU have time away from the puke and the POOP everyday!!!"
I digress.
the bottom line is that we are finally coming up for air.
hopefully one day soon we will find each other again and remember why we are soul mates in the first place.
throw another baby into the equation, and we may never find it again.
to me nothing is worth that risk.
good thing we are both on the same page with this one.
THE only thing that concerns me is that lulu will grow up lonely.
will she be sad that she is an only child, or worse, become a spoiled brat, used to getting everything that she wants?
I hope not. But then again, that's up to us not to let that happen.
I have a few friends who are only children and there totally have their shit together.
They have no issue with it whatsoever.
they have no memories of their dad turning around in the front seat of the station-wagon and threating to
"pull over if you kids DON"T STOP FIGHTING right this minute!!"
or chasing each other around the kitchen with the broom, wooden spoons or anyother form of weapon within hands reach.
okay it wasn't all bad, in-fact I can remember way more fun times with my brother than bad,
but hey there are no guarantees that you will have two kids who will get along and stay close as they get older.
then again, there are never any guarantees in life.
well just that lulu will (at least for the moment) remain an only child.


sunshine scribe said...

I read this twice. Thanks for writing it. My son is an only child at 5 and is neither a spoiled brat or lonely. You are right, it is up to you. For a bunch of reasons, we didn't rush into a second child but I am starting to change my mind about that ... now I have to convince daddy. But reading your post reminded me that if we can't agree (or my body has other plans - my son was not an easy conception) then there are lots of really wonderful, amazing things about having just one. Only doesn't have to mean lonely. I feel strongly about that.

Gabriella said...

Can I paste this post onto my blog? You wrote everything that I feel on whether or not to have another child. I'm leaning (no not leaning; already decided) that I am happy with the one. But the husband (being from an European background whose parents cannot understand why I wouldn't want 5 kids) wants one more...
I'm an only child and I turned out pretty good and was neither lonely or unhappy. My husband on the other hand rarely talks to his brother!!!!

Cheryl said...

It's great to hear arguments in favour of having only one child. The pressure to have two is sometimes overwhelming. This is a very personal decision and you are still young. Enjoy the luxury of having both time and choice.

metro mama said...

Wow, you really echo a lot of my sentiments here.

I posted about this a couple of weeks ago.

There are good things about having only one too.

indigo herself said...

even though i have no kids, i felt like i could relate and really appreciated the honesty in your post. i can understand only wanting one. i think that most one-sies, find close family friends to be their surrogate brothers or sisters.

kittenpie said...

This is exactly exactly where I am at! I really haven't heard anyone else say what I think about this, so thanks for that. I too see a lot more benefit to one and can't imagine doing it all again. Maybe if it would just appear on our doorstep at age 1.5? But still, I like that having just one still allows you to do a lot more, just take them with you. And I was a singleton until I was nearly 12, so I know it's fine for Pumpkinpie too.

Anyhow - I also wanted to drop by and say it was nice to meet you and Lulu yesterday! So cute... she looks just like you. [And yes, you can take that to mean you're cute too ;^) ]