Friday, November 17, 2006

comfortably numb

Lately I feel as though I'm not exactly present in my own body.
Maybe that sounds weird.
But I guess I feel as if each day I am just going through the motions.
I'm not complaining, nor do I feel unhappy about anything in-particular, in fact on the contrary,
I feel really content and extremely fortunate for the most part.
But it's like there is a piece of me missing.
I go through this every so often, usually when I haven't had any "alone" time.
But the problem is I never really feel like I need alone time.
I love being with Lulu and big daddy all the time.
I know, I know it's important to maintain a sense of independence.
To remember who "I" am.
To take some personal time.
It's easy to forget sometimes.
There are days when I feel like I could just stare at my daughter all day long and never get bored.
Most days I don't really feel like I even think about myself at all.
That's not to say that I leave the house in grey sweatpants stained with baby food, but I just don't think about me anymore.
And the funny thing is that it is actually REALLY refreshing.
For 34 years all I did was think about ME.
It's nice not to feel so self absorbed.
Lulu has given me so much.
But one of the greatest gifts aside from pure joy, is a sense of selflessness.
It feels quite foreign, but at the same time feels really good.
I don't have time to get wrapped up in some sort of personal drama du jour.
I don't really think about stupid material things anymore.
Because on the grand scheme of things, so much of the crap that I used to get in a tizzy about is so totally irrelevant.
This is not to say that it would probably be highly beneficial if I sat in a coffee shop by myself and read the paper-by Myself.
or took an hour and hit the gym for the first time in over a month.
Or maybe even made plans for a movie or drink with a girlfriend some night...
Or maybe even waited until Lulu was in bed,
big daddy was down stairs reading a book,
and I took some time to write a blog...

So I guess you could call this a sort of "personal" time.
sort of.

Totally unrelated, but I'm currently listening to
  • trespasserswilliams
  • .
    I Highly recommend it.
    A little on the melancholy side, but pretty relaxing.
  • pink floyd
  • is always good for a bit of flash back fun.
    Or if you want to put a modern spin on it try-Pink floyd Redux.
    Kinda sexy.
    IIII'm comfortably numb....


    myredwagon said...

    I'm loving the trepasserwilliams.....thanks for the tip

    Anonymous said...

    hi there,
    just sipping my soy latte and catching up on my good friend's adventures! I love reading your blog...It lets me see into your life, to catch up with you, but also to have a window into life with a little it IS possible to have even more joy that you had before...AND still have all the things you are used...well the things worth doing, anyway! I bet your tree is STUNNING. I hope i can see it sometime this season... Let's do a martini next week!